For My Baby Sister…

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My sister and I have this awesome connection. It’s like we’re twins even though we’re two and a half years apart. We can sometimes feel what each other is feeling (while not being together), we know what each other is thinking or wanting to say with one look, we say the same things at the same times (A LOT!) and have even found ourselves giving each other and our parents the same cards for birthdays and holidays.

I admire her for so many reasons and she is truly my best friend. I feel so blessed for the close relationship we have. I have to say our mother did an amazing job raising us to never stay mad at one another, even if that meant forcing us to hug and say we were sorry. Truth be told, we never really fought that much…maybe as kids but the older we got our bond and friendship only got stronger.

Being older, I have only wished for the best for my baby sister. I’ve watched her grow into a beautiful woman, inside and out. I’ve watched her faith life help shape her into an even more incredible person than she already is. I stood by her side as she married the man of her dreams (that she’s been with since she was 14!) and now I get to experience what I truly believe is God’s most beautiful gift, watching her become a mother.

With just a month apart, my sister and I will both become moms, her for the first time and me for the second. While there are so many things I’ve wished for when it comes to my sister, as we got older I prayed for this the most. Getting pregnant was very easy for me. I don’t like saying that because I know the struggles others have faced. When there were struggles with my sister, I couldn’t help but ask “Why God?”, “Why her?” There were so many times I prayed and begged God to allow her the same blessing that I was given. And when I found out we were pregnant for a second time, my heart broke knowing I would have to again tell my sister that I was pregnant (even though I knew she would be nothing but happy for me which she was) knowing that she wasn’t. Little did I know that a month later she would be telling me the same thing. I will forever remember that moment in my kitchen. Every time I think of it tears fill up my eyes. I cannot tell you how hard my heart leapt out of my chest in joy for her. She and her husband patiently waited and God provided. They did not get angry at Him, give up on Him or turn away from Him. Instead…they praised and honored Him for the blessing they were receiving. I’ve never witnessed such a strong and beautiful faith as I have in my sister’s journey to becoming a mother.

So with a few weeks left for me and a month for my sister, I have to say it’s been a lot of fun being pregnant together. We took pictures to document the experience (one shown above) from the awesome duo at Up the Hill Photography. A big thanks to Jill for capturing these special moments for us. From growing up together, currently living just two miles down the road from one another to our annual Dave Matthews concerts and now pregnancy, I can honestly say I’ve experienced it all with my sister. I am so thankful to have her as my best friend.

Steph, God knew just what he was doing when He gave you to me as a sister. I couldn’t imagine life any other way. You’re going to be the best mom there is. I can’t wait to begin this journey with you. BFF! Now get these babies OUT!!!!

One More Hug

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My sister was talking with me the other day about when I go into labor and the plan for her to stay with my daughter Emma. I couldn’t even think about it without almost bursting into tears. I know it sounds silly but I’m not ready to leave her because I know in doing so everything changes. Of course this change is wonderful and a gift from God but I’m still having a difficult time.

It sounds so selfish to say that, it really does. But it’s as honest as I can get. I have so many emotions about another baby coming along and so much love for my baby girl that it’s all becoming a little too much for me (and too real with today being September 1st!).

So, I wrote this poem sobbing imagining that day not to far away when I will hug her one last time. I love you my sweet baby girl!

One more hug

I want to give you one more hug,
Before I say good bye.
Because this is the last hug,
Where it will be just you and I.

I’m going now but will be back soon,
And with me I’ll have someone new.
A baby that will live with us,
A brother just for you!

But as I look at you so grown,
With tears in my eyes.
I know this will be harder for me than you,
Having to say this kind of good bye.

So my darling sweet first daughter,
I give you one last hug good bye.
Our family is growing and that means some changes,
But I still promise moments of just you and I.

I will always cherish,
These first two years we shared together.
From you saying mama to I love you,
My heart is full forever.

And now we’ll make new memories,
With our growing family of four.
And it will be just as special,
If not, even more!

So here I go with one last hug,
I squeeze you tighter than you know.
A part of me doesn’t want to leave,
Or ever let you go.

God has blessed us abundantly,
And I’ll be back to hug you again.
I hope you know how much I love you,
And my love for you will never end.

To My Only Baby…

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To my only baby:

Right now, this is it. It’s just us. You’re my only baby. Selfishly, I want you to be my only baby but that’s not God’s plan. God wants you to have a baby brother or sister so you are. Deep down I do too, I’m just having a hard time coming to grips with there being another baby here…with us. 

Because while my heart can love both of you, my head can’t seem to understand that. How can I love another baby as much as I love you? How is that even possible? I don’t know but it is. 

So now comes the difficult part. The part where I tell you there will be another baby with us. Forever. We can’t take him/her back (I tried that with your aunt and grandma said she was staying! Lucky for us, she did). It’s going to be different. I’m going to have to spend a lot of time with your new brother and/or sister because new babies need their mommies a lot. I know you need me too and I’ll always be here for you. Always. 

I need you to know that. I need you to also know how much I love you. You’re my first baby. You’ve given my life a purpose. You’ve completed me. You bring more joy and happiness to my life than I could ever put into words. You made me a mom. You did that. And that is something I will forever be.

I hope you know how much I cherish these moments with you right now. Sure, I have my mom meltdowns and days where I feel completely overwhelmed. I get frustrated with you and exhausted.  But those moments don’t hold a candle to the rest. The days when you call for me, run to me, laugh with me and just make me so happy to be your mom. 

You’ll never be little like this again. I’ll never be able to redo this time I have with you. I know that. It stings my heart a little not to be able to stop the clock. I hope you always love and need me as much as you do right now. 

So my dear, sweet only baby…know this. Know that you have forever changed me. Know that you have impacted me so greatly I will never again be the same. Know that my life is better because I have you in it. Know that every decision I make has you in mind. But most importantly, know that you are my first child…my first baby…and that will never, ever change.  

Why I Will Always Love My Mom

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My mom and I are a lot a like. That goes for the good and the bad. Some of the good: we are passionate, caring and loving. We go out of our way for others. We are faithful, honest and giving. We are creative! We love deeply. We never give up. Some of the bad: we are perfectionists, which can cause us to become our own worst critic, we are controlling, which can be good at times but usually it tends to bite us in the butt and we speak what’s on our mind, sometimes too honestly.

Because we are so similar, we’ve had our share of disagreements over the years. As she is now Emma’s primary caretaker, I feel that’s been the biggest struggle for us. It’s not about how much she loves my daughter (which is immeasurable) or her ability to take care of her (she goes above and beyond), but about me being her mom and wanting things the way I want them. It’s hard for me to let go of control, and I think the same goes for her. But our common ground is how much we truly love Emma.

The other day I stayed at my mom’s after work and we had dinner together. We talked about our relationship and how it’s been different. Our conversations revolve primarily around Emma and we don’t get to talk the way we used to. Sometimes I wonder if someone else watched her would our relationship had never changed. However, I am so blessed to have her do what she does three days a week and the bond between them is incredible. Emma loves her MEMA!

There was a moment when my mom was hugging Emma. She told me she reminds her so much of me when I was little. She said she loves us both so much and she started to cry. She told me that it goes by so fast and one day I’ll know when Emma has a baby and she is no longer around (to me, that world doesn’t exist because my mom is going to live forever!). We hugged and shortly after I took Emma home. I thought about what she said..the fact that she now has two grown daughters and one of them has a baby. The surreal experience she feels holding Emma and recalling the moments she held me. I cried my whole ride home thinking about it…thinking about how she must feel and although its primarily love and joy, the little heartache that is there knowing that I am no longer her little baby anymore.

I never want Emma to grow up. I want her to be little forever. It sounds silly but I do. I love her small and I can’t imagine her as a teenager let alone and adult. So what my mom said really hit me. It really made me stop and think. Sure, we can disagree or even get on each others nerves, but when it comes down to it, I will always love my mom. I will always love her for everything she’s done for me and everything she’s given me. For the endless amounts of unconditional love and support, for never giving up on me in my most difficult moments and for all the things she’s done for me over the years that no thank you could ever even express my gratitude. And now, for the role she’s taken on with her granddaughter. There is no one I trust more to take care of her. There is no one that can ever compare.

When you become a mother, you truly understand everything your own mother has said to you over your lifetime. You get ‘when you’re a mother you’ll understand’ or ‘I’m doing this because I’m your mom and I love you’. You get it. You really, really get it because you have that same love for your child. I will always love my mom for the person she is and the mother I hope to one day become. I can’t thank her enough, but I can sure try. Thanks mom for doing what you do, you mean the world to me.

Why I Will Always Love My First Home

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home
Home. A four-letter word that can invoke so many feelings. A place of childhood memories, family traditions, laughter and love. A place of entertaining, good food, good friends and the best’s night sleep you’ll ever have. A place of security, new beginnings and new adventures. A place of comfort and peace. Home is where the heart is. While I am so excited to move into our new home, I am also having increasing feelings of nostalgia about leaving our current one.

This was my home of ‘firsts’. The home where my husband made me dinner when we were first dating (I remember the meal like it was yesterday: grapes, wine, white and milk chocolate chunks to start followed by grilled chicken kabobs, vegetables and salad), the home where he first said ‘I love you’ to me as we stood in the kitchen, the home we shared all of our dreams, goals, fears and innermost secrets, the home where we had our first fight (and make up), the home that we cooked together, danced together, laughed so hard we cried together in, the home snuggled on the couch night after night in, the home we welcomed our daughter into, the home where we were grew our garden (that I will desperately miss!) and fruit trees (and these too!) and the home that even though was solely my husband’s before we got married, feels just as much mine as his.

Leaving our current home feels like I’m leaving a piece of me with it. A piece that has experienced so many incredible memories in it. While I’ll always carry those memories in my heart, it’s hard to leave the place that created them. I will never forget cooking dinner and dancing to One Republic’s ‘Feel Again’ in the kitchen with my husband or playing peek-a-boo through the living room curtains with my daughter. I’ll never forget the moment I took that pregnancy test and running up to tell my husband ‘we’re pregnant’ or even the simple moments like doing the dishes in the kitchen and watching my husband out the window cutting the grass or working in the garden. These are just some of the reasons I will always love my first home.

So as we pack up of our home of ‘firsts’, I smile through a few tears feeling blessed for all God gave us here. I know future blessings and memories await us, and I welcome them with open arms.