The Crosses We Bear

We all have crosses to bear. GvYou don’t know mine and I don’t know yours, but we have them.

We have them as mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, friends and foes. 

Some may seem small and others may seem large, but no matter the size, they are all crosses we bear. They are weighted on our shoulders, struggles on our minds and burdens in our hearts. 

I’ve found myself wrestling with my own crosses more than usual lately. I’m not sure why but I’ve felt defeated in so many aspects of my life. 

Last night, I sat across the table from Jesus. He was there at my kitchen table. 

As I listened to ‘It is Well’ by Kristene DiMarco, tears streamed down my face as I heard the lyrics “Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you…through it all, through it all, it is well…through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you…and it is well with me…”

I looked across and while I couldn’t physically see Him, He was there. He was there with His arms stretched open, telling me His eyes are on me and it is well with Him.

We all carry our own crosses, but that doesn’t mean that we have to do it alone. That doesn’t mean that God isn’t with us every step of the way. And we may falter and stumble and even fall over and over again, but He isn’t right there with us. In those overwhelming and even unbearable moments, He is there asking us to trust in Him. To trust in His plan, not our own.

In that moment, I had peace. I had a peace I’ve only ever felt with Him.

So whatever cross or crosses you are currently bearing, know that you are not alone. Know that you are never alone. He is there through it all, and it is well with Him.

In a Minute…

As a mom, I constantly find myself always needing one more minute. There is never enough time in the day and it’s as if this one minute will miraculously allow me to finish whatever I need to. It never does. It’s an excuse. It’s an excuse not to do something. It’s my excuse not to do something.

“Mommy, can you play with me?”
“In a minute.”

“Mommy, can I show you this?”
“In a minute.”

“Mommy, can you come see this?”
“In a minute.”

“Mommy, can you help me with this?”
“In a minute.”

“Mommy, can you look at this?”
“In a minute.”

“Mommy, can you come here?”
“In a minute.”

It comes out like word vomit. I say it without even thinking. Some days I’m just so tired of being needed and wanted every second. But then by the end of the night the guilt sets in. Did I give them all the minutes they needed? No. No, I didn’t. I put my needs above theirs. I made them feel as if what I was doing was more important than them. I needed a minute but so did they. And their minutes are only going to last so long. Their minutes of needing and wanting me will diminish. They will fade away. Only then will I want all the minutes I let pass me by. I will desperately want them back.

They are little. Their world revolves around everything they want to do. They don’t understand time. They don’t understand what goes on in the real world, they only live in theirs. They don’t understand all the things I’m juggling. But that’s not their job. Their job is to be kids. And the best thing I can do is give them my time, all of my time, even when in the moment I think I don’t have it or selfishly want to give it. So for now, when they ask me to play or look or help I will oblige. I will give them my full attention. I will make them feel as important as they deserve. I will be the mom that continues to give them all the minutes they need. Because these are the moments I’ll never get back, and that is precious time I never want to waste telling them “in a minute”.

 

And Then You Were Five…

I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was a beautiful Sunday and also happened to be Father’s Day. We had just gotten out of church and were headed to my parents for a BBQ when I felt some unexpected leaking. I called the doctor and was told to come into the hospital. I had a feeling that morning you might be born today so we brought our packed bags with us. Your daddy was giddy with joy about the thought of you being born on his first Father’s Day.

My birth plan went out the window when I had to be induced. As much as that pained me, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. We didn’t know if you would be a boy or girl but something in my heart told me you would be my Emma Grace, and you were. Twenty-seven hours later (and unfortunately not on Father’s Day), you came into this world. You were everything I hoped for and more. You were perfect. You are perfect.

I cannot believe how much you’ve grown in these past five years. In the blink of an eye you went from my sweet baby sleeping in my arms to my big girl sleeping in her own bed. You are the joy and sunshine in my life. Your personality is one of a kind and always brings a smile to my face, even when you’re a little bit sassy.

I cannot put into words the love I have for you. All I can say is thank you for making me a mom and I feel so blessed to be yours. Happy birthday my sweet baby girl.

If You Remember One Thing, Remember You Are Resilient

You are loved. Oh my sweet child how you are loved. You are loved beyond words, beyond being and beyond measure. My love for you is limitless, boundless and endless. It’s something I cannot contain and never want to. It gives me purpose. And one day if and when you question love, please look up child, because you are so loved by Him, and it is His love that will carry you through. I hope my love carries you through too.

You are strong. Oh my sweet child how you are strong. You are stronger than you think you are. You have strength you don’t even know yet exists. Your strength makes you a fighter. And not in the physical way, but the mental way. The way that allows you persevere without fists, but with fortitude. And in moments when you don’t believe you have any strength left, you will find it and you will push through.

But if you remember one thing, please remember you are resilient. Oh my sweet child you are so resilient. And because of this, you will not fight adversity, you will embrace it. You will be empowered not enslaved. You will let go of fear and anxiety for trust and acceptance. You will persevere. You will flourish. You will grow in ways you didn’t expect and achieve in ways you never thought possible.

This world can and maybe one day even will break your heart. It will tempt your weaknesses. It will question your morals and try to shake your faith. It will rollercoaster you with ups and downs. It will push and pull you. It will make you feel alone. It will turn its back on you. But you are resilient. Oh my sweet child you are so resilient.

So in times of trouble, do not fear and do not despair. Do not give up and do not give in. Trust in the Lord. Trust in my words. You are loved. You are strong. You are resilient.

This Too Shall Pass

I’m currently laying on my son’s floor. I’m making sure he’s fully asleep before I ninja crawl out of his room and pray he doesn’t wake up and the vicious cycle begins again.

This too shall pass.

My son has regressed with sleep. I’m not sure what happened or why but it did. He went from being the best napper and sleeper to one that now fights naps and can wake up anywhere from 4-5 times a night. Some night it feels like he’s a newborn….11pm, midnight, 2am, 4am and the dreadful up for the day at 5am. Interrupted sleep is something I cannot handle. I don’t believe most people can. Little or no sleep can make any sane person go insane. I’m barely functioning the next day let alone having any patience for my kids who deserve it, because they do, even in their most frustrating moments.

This too shall pass.

I try my best. I try my hardest for them to be a calm, non-yelling mom. I try to give them all of me when I so desperately want a break. I try to manage my son who can’t sit still, only seems to have one volume (LOUD) and likes to hit and bite for no reason (the first one usually out of anger and the second out of excitement). I try to be patient with my daughter and her emotions which can be very exaggerated and at times very draining. I try to give them both attention while refereeing their fights throughout the day. I try to be a great mom. I try.

This too shall pass.

These are the phases I’m in. The days are long. The needs seem endless. They are not perfect. I am so far from it. They are little and learning how to figure out this big world they live in. They get frustrated. So do I. They get upset. So do I. They yell out of anger. So do I. They cry. So do I. There are many emotions in our house throughout the day. We try to work through them the best we can.

This too shall pass.

I question my skills. Am I well equipped to be a mother? Am I making the right choices? Am I doing enough? Heck, am I enough? I read books and articles and whatever I can in the little free time I have. I am giving it my all to give them more and to be more so that one day, they have more. But then there are days that feel like a loss. They feel like a big, fat F. They feel like I’m failing. I can’t get it together. They can’t stop fighting. My husband and I can’t agree on things (parenting and otherwise). I can’t control my own emotions. I feel my parenting skills diving deep down into somewhere between disappointing and disastrous.

This too shall pass.

I tell myself ‘this too shall pass’. I try not to cry as my son wakes up again because I still haven’t been able to fall back asleep. I fight the depression I sometimes fall into as the days blend together, same routine after routine. I dream of going on vacation and winning a million dollars as if those things would make life easier. I practically dream for a full nights rest. I pray for patience. I pray for guidance. I pray for strength. I pray to get me through moments I cannot handle or am too tired to. I pray a lot.

This too shall pass.

Motherhood and staying home as a mom is not easy. It’s wonderful and a blessing but also very challenging. And just like anything in life, there are good days and there are bad. There are great moments and crushing ones. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love my kids more than words can say. But this phase is hard. It’s really hard. However, this too shall pass.