I Get To Be Sad

I get to be sad.

Today, I get to be sad.

Because today is the day I am told my son has high functioning autism.
And while I knew this in my heart, the words were still so hard to hear.

Quite honestly, they broke me.

They broke my heart.
They broke my heart for him.

Because he doesn’t know why he acts the way he does.
He doesn’t understand that sometimes he’s too loud or too aggressive or too much.
He doesn’t understand why he can’t control his emotions.

I could tell you all the other things he doesn’t do well. All the things we struggle with on a daily basis.
I could tell you how much our family dynamic suffers and often revolves around him.

But today I won’t.

Today, I get to be sad.

I get to worry about his life. His future. His relationships and how he will function in society.

And while I know I should stay in the present, today I just can’t. Today I’m letting all my fears and worries sink in. Today I’m finding solitude in my sadness.

But I won’t let it consume me. I won’t let it break me.

Because I have a brilliant little boy. A boy that is so loved. A boy that has makes me laugh harder than anyone else.

A boy that will do great things.

We are not defined by our limitations. We focus on our strengths. We let those define us.

And while I feel the heaviest burden weighing on my heart, I know that what he needs most right now is my love.

My unconditional, unwavering love.
My love even when it’s hard.
My love even when my patience is gone.
My love even when he’s screamed and hit and broken things.
My love even when I feel lost, desperate and alone. My love even when I don’t feel like I have any left to give.

He needs my love.
And he will get it.

He will get it all.

And I hope one day when he looks back at his life he sees that maybe I didn’t do everything right, but at least he was so very loved.

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