I’m not ready for you to grow up.

I’m not ready to let go.

I’m not ready for you to spread your wings and fly.

I’m not ready, not even close.

I still see you as my baby girl, nestled sweetly on my chest.

I still remember the firsts…your smiles and laughs and coos and shrieks.

I still feel your little chest on mine, as you’d soundly rest.

Then the first time I heard your tiny voice that took my breathe away.

And the moment that you said ‘I love you mommy,’

There is no comparison to that day.

I’m not ready for you to grow up.

I’m not ready to let go,

I know it’s time and I have to,

But I need more time so please don’t go.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready.

I know I’ll never let go.

So my little girl I hope one day you’ll understand,

It’s all because I love you so.

 

We all have crosses to bear. You don’t know mine and I don’t know yours, but we have them.

We have them as mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, friends and foes. 

Some may seem small and others may seem large, but no matter the size, they are all crosses we bear. They are weighted on our shoulders, struggles on our minds and burdens in our hearts. 

I’ve found myself wrestling with my own crosses more than usual lately. I’m not sure why but I’ve felt defeated in so many aspects of my life. 

Last night, I sat across the table from Jesus. He was there at my kitchen table. 

As I listened to ‘It is Well’ by Kristene DiMarco, tears streamed down my face as I heard the lyrics “Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you…through it all, through it all, it is well…through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you…and it is well with me…”

I looked across and while I couldn’t physically see Him, He was there. He was there with His arms stretched open, telling me His eyes are on me and it is well with Him.

We all carry our own crosses, but that doesn’t mean that we have to do it alone. That doesn’t mean that God isn’t with us every step of the way. And we may falter and stumble and even fall over and over again, but He isn’t right there with us. In those overwhelming and even unbearable moments, He is there asking us to trust in Him. To trust in His plan, not our own.

In that moment, I had peace. I had a peace I’ve only ever felt with Him.

So whatever cross or crosses you are currently bearing, know that you are not alone. Know that you are never alone. He is there through it all, and it is well with Him.

As a mom, I constantly find myself always needing one more minute. There is never enough time in the day and it’s as if this one minute will miraculously allow me to finish whatever I need to. It never does. It’s an excuse. It’s an excuse not to do something. It’s my excuse not to do something.

“Mommy, can you play with me?”
“In a minute.”

“Mommy, can I show you this?”
“In a minute.”

“Mommy, can you come see this?”
“In a minute.”

“Mommy, can you help me with this?”
“In a minute.”

“Mommy, can you look at this?”
“In a minute.”

“Mommy, can you come here?”
“In a minute.”

It comes out like word vomit. I say it without even thinking. Some days I’m just so tired of being needed and wanted every second. But then by the end of the night the guilt sets in. Did I give them all the minutes they needed? No. No, I didn’t. I put my needs above theirs. I made them feel as if what I was doing was more important than them. I needed a minute but so did they. And their minutes are only going to last so long. Their minutes of needing and wanting me will diminish. They will fade away. Only then will I want all the minutes I let pass me by. I will desperately want them back.

They are little. Their world revolves around everything they want to do. They don’t understand time. They don’t understand what goes on in the real world, they only live in theirs. They don’t understand all the things I’m juggling. But that’s not their job. Their job is to be kids. And the best thing I can do is give them my time, all of my time, even when in the moment I think I don’t have it or selfishly want to give it. So for now, when they ask me to play or look or help I will oblige. I will give them my full attention. I will make them feel as important as they deserve. I will be the mom that continues to give them all the minutes they need. Because these are the moments I’ll never get back, and that is precious time I never want to waste telling them “in a minute”.

 

I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was a beautiful Sunday and also happened to be Father’s Day. We had just gotten out of church and were headed to my parents for a BBQ when I felt some unexpected leaking. I called the doctor and was told to come into the hospital. I had a feeling that morning you might be born today so we brought our packed bags with us. Your daddy was giddy with joy about the thought of you being born on his first Father’s Day.

My birth plan went out the window when I had to be induced. As much as that pained me, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. We didn’t know if you would be a boy or girl but something in my heart told me you would be my Emma Grace, and you were. Twenty-seven hours later (and unfortunately not on Father’s Day), you came into this world. You were everything I hoped for and more. You were perfect. You are perfect.

I cannot believe how much you’ve grown in these past five years. In the blink of an eye you went from my sweet baby sleeping in my arms to my big girl sleeping in her own bed. You are the joy and sunshine in my life. Your personality is one of a kind and always brings a smile to my face, even when you’re a little bit sassy.

I cannot put into words the love I have for you. All I can say is thank you for making me a mom and I feel so blessed to be yours. Happy birthday my sweet baby girl.

You are loved. Oh my sweet child how you are loved. You are loved beyond words, beyond being and beyond measure. My love for you is limitless, boundless and endless. It’s something I cannot contain and never want to. It gives me purpose. And one day if and when you question love, please look up child, because you are so loved by Him, and it is His love that will carry you through. I hope my love carries you through too.

You are strong. Oh my sweet child how you are strong. You are stronger than you think you are. You have strength you don’t even know yet exists. Your strength makes you a fighter. And not in the physical way, but the mental way. The way that allows you persevere without fists, but with fortitude. And in moments when you don’t believe you have any strength left, you will find it and you will push through.

But if you remember one thing, please remember you are resilient. Oh my sweet child you are so resilient. And because of this, you will not fight adversity, you will embrace it. You will be empowered not enslaved. You will let go of fear and anxiety for trust and acceptance. You will persevere. You will flourish. You will grow in ways you didn’t expect and achieve in ways you never thought possible.

This world can and maybe one day even will break your heart. It will tempt your weaknesses. It will question your morals and try to shake your faith. It will rollercoaster you with ups and downs. It will push and pull you. It will make you feel alone. It will turn its back on you. But you are resilient. Oh my sweet child you are so resilient.

So in times of trouble, do not fear and do not despair. Do not give up and do not give in. Trust in the Lord. Trust in my words. You are loved. You are strong. You are resilient.