Why Wine and Chick Flicks Cure Everything.

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Yesterday was an abysmal day. My poor little sweet pea was unfortunately dragged to two different dentists, the second only being an actual pediatric dentist office (note to dentist receptionists: when asked if you’re a pediatric dentist and you say yes we see kids I am assume you’re answering my question, not saying ‘yes we see kids but we’re not an actual pediatric dentist office’).

The outcome wasn’t good but it wasn’t bad either. Her freak accident did result in a bent tooth, which might grow in properly and might not…it also might need to be eventually pulled and might not or it might just fall out…or might not! I’d probably be better off just pulling pedals off a flower (tooth will fall out, tooth will not) to determine the outcome at this point!

The rest of the day went as sloppy as the beginning. My daughter was miserable and there wasn’t a thing I could do to fix it which broke my heart. She fought naps, taking medicine, letting me leave her side, getting dressed, being in her car seat and wanting to be comforted while I fought for my sanity.

It was one of those days where it all went wrong and by the time she was in bed for the evening I was ready to cry and scream at the same time (I had done both throughout the day but not simultaneously). I poured myself a glass of wine and found that ’27 Dresses’ was on. I love that movie. In fact, I love all chick flicks, even the bad ones. There’s something about sappy, unrealistic love stories that just make me smile and sometimes I even find myself getting a little teary eyed at the end. I mean, who doesn’t love watching the cutest proposal by my crush Ben Affleck in ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ or at the end of the movie when Jake Ryan sitting outside waiting for Molly Ringwald in ‘Sixteen Candles’ and then they celebrate her birthday or the ultimate chick flick movie, ‘The Notebook’. And let’s not forget the hilarious comedy chick flicks like ‘Bridesmaids’ that aren’t filled with all the lovey-dovey stuff and can instantly put you in a good mood! And this is why I believe wine and chick flicks cure everything.

So here’s my five reasons to drink wine and watch one or a marathon of (if you have the time!) chick flick movies:

1. Relationship drama. Whether your single, dating or married, relationship drama happens at all stages. Maybe ‘The Notebook’ isn’t the best choice here, but for me, it is. As ridiculous as it sounds, watching that movie makes me love my husband more, even when I’m incredibly angry with him. Whatever your situation may be, curling up with wine, ice cream and/or popcorn and a good chick flick (along with a possible good cry) can soothe any hurt, broken or angry heart. My top choice here: The Notebook (or if you want to go in the other direction: The Break Up).

2. You Had the Day from Hell. Whether it was your boss at work, the kids at home or one of those ‘you got out of bed this morning and even that went wrong’ days, there’s nothing more mind escaping than a chick flick…and definitely a few glasses of wine! My top choice here: Wedding Crashers.

3. You’re Having a Girls Night. Sure, a night out at the bar is a great way to get together, but sometimes a night in with chick flicks, good friends, lots of laughs and lots of wine can help you unwind from the stresses of everyday life. There are moments when you just need your girlfriends and nights like these are great for them. My top choice here: Pretty Woman.

4. You Really Need to Laugh. Life can get really serious and sometimes we forget how to let go and have fun. We can’t laugh situations off because we’re too stressed out. This is the time to grab that movie and enjoy a good laugh. My top choice here: Bridesmaids.

5. Just Because. Sometimes you don’t need a reason to drink and watch a chick flick, you just want to! Whether it’s to relax, decompress, chill out, all of the above or just because, enjoy what’s currently on TV or a personal favorite and your favorite glass of wine! My top choices here: How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Knocked Up, My Best Friend’s Wedding.

I know a day like yesterday is only one of many to come, I just wish it didn’t have to. I wish I could prevent my daughter from any pain or injury. But since I cannot, I need to have faith that all will work itself out. And every once in a while I also need to have some wine and a good chick flick!

When Did I Stop Caring Completely?

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There came a point in my life when I stopped caring about what I looked like. I didn’t stop caring completely, I just ‘wasn’t as concerned’. It happened after my wedding. I was in the best shape of my life and I was newly married. I had a husband so my desire on ‘dressing to impress’ vanished. I found someone who loved me for ‘me’, even when that me had no make up on or was covered in acne creams. He loves me through all it all, even in the moments where I am the furthest thing from ‘sexy’.

We found ways to continue to stay in shape so we didn’t fall into letting ourselves go as a married couple, but when you live together, there isn’t really time to impress or a need (I think the vows ‘for better or worse’ could probably be applied here). Sure, we got dressed up for date nights, work functions, holidays and other events, but it wasn’t all the time. It wasn’t like when we were dating. And even after a while, you become comfortable enough to stop ‘trying’. I remember the first time I decided not to wear make up to hang out with my now husband. As I drove over to his (now our) home, I had this pit in my stomach filled with worry about what he would think. I entered with the bold statement, “well, this is me without make up” as he told me my face is beautiful and he always wants to see me that way…

Well, his wish is my command! I’m sure he didn’t mean ‘all the time’ but these days, that’s definitely what he gets. I have completely stopped caring about how I look. I think the worst part is it’s spilled into the rest of my life too. I go grocery shopping in sweat pants, I sometimes don’t even brush my hair before throwing it up and heading off to work and when we have parties/work functions/events to attend, it’s truly a struggle for me to fully dry my hair and put a somewhat presentable face forward.

I have become a beautifying slob. I have stopped caring completely about what I look like and it’s not okay. I have become lazy with my looks. I am embarrassed…except, I’m really not! I can scold myself a million times but I just don’t care that much. I should…but I don’t. I had a friend mention to me who got a new job that she wanted to dress better because she thinks people take you more seriously when you do. I tend to agree. Putting on my business suit, fixing my hair and applying some make up goes much farther than my baggy sweaters and maternity pants (which I completely need to stop wearing but I refuse until I return to my pre-pregnancy weight!). Or does it? Do people really care? Seriously, do they?

I need to work on getting back to trying with my looks, I really do. I guess there is just so much else going on in my life I don’t have the time or the will. Because as much as I say I don’t care, i still have that desire to feel pretty. I want to look it and be told it. Not all the time, but every now and then. So today I dressed better for work, wore my hair down and even applied some make up. Does it make me feel more confident or that people are taking me more seriously? Not really, but at least it’s an effort. And without effort, we would never have results. Beauty is only skin deep, but it never hurts to give that skin a good house cleaning once in a while.

Is Marriage Ever Easy?

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Is marriage ever easy? Or does it ever get easier? Is there a point where you’re just on cruise control and then…

“Everything is awesome!!!
Everything is cool when you’re part of a team!
Everything is awesome when we’re living our dream!” (Tegan & Sara)

Yeah, I just quoted the LEGO Movie song. But honestly…marriage is tough. And I feel like as the decisions in your lives get tougher, so does your relationship. It gets pushed and pulled and twisted and turned and flipped upside down to a point of exhaustion. Your relationship is starts wearing thin and sometimes you even wonder, why am I married to this person? It’s terrible to say, it really is, but in a heated moment, can you tell me you’ve never thought it? You probably have. And you’ve probably discussed that thought with your friend(s) at some point or another. Maybe you confided in one friend during the course of a conversation or in a group setting among friends. And this applies to women and men….the difference is what is said. Here’s what I picture:

Woman to girlfriend: ‘Ugh, Larry is so irritating, I don’t even know why I married him, he’s literally laying on the couch doing nothing while I try to make dinner as the kids run wild…” and then the woman would spin off into layers of issues she currently has with her husband.

Man to friend: ‘Yeah, she’s being a nag lately but whatever, so did you catch the game last night?’

Maybe I’m completely off…maybe? But it seems to be when it comes to feelings, women think and feel with our hearts while men think and feel with their heads. Yes, men can make heartfelt decisions, but most of their decisions are based on problematic thinking while women’s decisions are based on our emotions. So when women rationalize with feelings, men don’t understand it, the same way we don’t understand their right vs. wrong, facts-not-feelings rationalizations.

I read ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ my first year of marriage. The book was super insightful and now I might consider reading it again. I think when you get into a routine with someone you forget how they operate until something shakes up both of your worlds and you see yourself on opposite sides of the room. A disagreement heats up and now you’re both standing there in shock thinking ‘what the heck just happened?‘. You may even stare at the person contemplating, ‘who are you‘? Because you’re both so polar opposite on your stance you start to question if this person is truly even your significant other. Who is this stranger among you? And where did they take your significant other to?

It’s easier to throw a curve ball than it is to hit one. But when it comes to matters of the heart, why aren’t we playing on the same team?

Things change when you have kids. Your marriage changes. Your lives revolve around them, and not in a bad way but in a ‘it just happens’ way. You have birthday parties and sport schedules and school projects and all the things that make having children a joy but also the exhaustion of your existence. But in the beginning of it all, in the beginning of this newest family member’s life, all if you have is each other. All you have is the two of you parenting. And it’s not easy. It’s a huge adjustment. And you expect there to just be acceptance, trust, love and perfect harmony except there’s not…there’s fear of the unknown, chaos, criticism and arguing. You begin to act like children. You fight with words. And you while you can forgive those words, you can never take them back.

Sure, there is love and those tender moments of ‘firsts’, but there are a lot of sleepless nights and delirious arguing. And then more things change. You buy a pet, get a new house, welcome another child and the cycle continues.

I don’t know if marriage is ever easy or if it ever will be easy. But I know that I love my husband and there is no one else in the entire world that I would rather be in this journey with than him. And because we’re not perfect we’re going to fight, we’re going to argue and we’re going to fight some more. But we’re not going to give up, we’re not going to walk away and we’re not going to leave our promise to one another. ‘No one ever said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it’. At the end of the day, no fight is worth it, but your love is.

Being a Mom…I Get It.

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I love being a mom, I really, really do. I love watching my daughter grow and I simply adore her…but being a mom is so different than not being one. I didn’t really begin to comprehend it until I had my daughter. In that moment, everything changed forever.

When I was single, I didn’t really ‘relate’ to my friends with kids. When I got married, I didn’t ‘understand’ my friends with kids. It was almost like they lived in a different world. A world of play dates, babbles, baby voices, bath time, birthday parties, Disney, Dora the Explorer, kid friendly trips and so many things I couldn’t wrap my brain around. Maybe it was because I wasn’t ready for kids, or maybe it was because I didn’t have them. We’d catch up (because sometimes we wouldn’t talk for a while), but our conversations would be the craziness in my life (relationships, break ups, new relationships, going out, going on vacation, etc.) vs. the craziness in theirs (having kids, taking care of kids, lack of sleep, more kid stuff). I love them all dearly, always will, but I didn’t understand it.

Well, now I get it. I get how your life completely becomes about your children, and not because there’s nothing else for you to discuss, but because it’s what your lives start to revolve around. People ask about your kids, you share stories, you talk about what they’re doing, how they’re growing, you share pictures, videos and you can’t stop smiling. You’re proud, thankful, grateful, over the moon and madly in love but sometimes you’re also overly tired, stressed out, clueless, paranoid, out of patience and just plain frustrated.

To all my single friends, or even my married friends without kids, I love you, I really, really do. But I don’t think you understand my life now. I don’t think you get it. Maybe you think you do, but honestly, I don’t think you can. I don’t think you can because kids change everything. Kids change your views on the world, how you see yourself, your husband and others with children. You ‘get’ your friends with kids, in fact, you rely on them so much you’d be lost without them. Again, this isn’t to offend any of my friends sans kids, it’s just that I was once there, I was once you and it wasn’t until I wasn’t you that I really saw, understood and felt what all my friends with kids were talking about. I still had great relationships with my friends with kids when I didn’t have them, but now I feel like I have even greater ones.

There are those that will never have kids. Whether it’s by choice or not by choice. And we will still be friends with those individuals because friendships aren’t based on your family status (married, single, married with kids or married without). But those friendships might change, and not intentionally but simply because of where you are in your lives.

Some days I miss my life without Emma. I miss my selfish time, not having someone rely on me 24/7, the ability to sleep in and essentially ‘have a life’. But then I think about her sweet little face and know that she is my life, she’s the light of my life. She’s the second best thing that’s ever happened to me (husband is first!) and I thank God for her every day. Right now, I am a mom, I will always be a mom, and finally, I get it.

Dear Husbands…Love the Mothers of Your Children

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Dear husbands:
We love you. We really do. And even when we don’t always show it, we are blessed to have your in our lives. You are our other half, our best friends, our companions for life, our secret keepers, our rocks, our circle of trust, our everything. We remember our first date and what you wore. We remember the first kiss. We remember the exact moment when we knew you were the one. We can still picture your proposal like it was yesterday. We will always remember our wedding day. It will forever be one of the best days of our lives. We remember the little moments, the ones you might not even think of. A look, a glance across the room, cooking together, dancing in the kitchen, laughing on the couch, taking a walk, cuddling at night, just being plain silly together…and we keep these moments close to our hearts.

But we also remember the bad. We remember the hurtful words, the painful arguments and the frustrating fights that escalate to a point where we forget what we’re even fighting about. We remember feeling unloved, unworthy and unappreciated. We remember the times you discounted our feelings, ignored our requests, judged our choices and didn’t listen to our thoughts. We remember not being on the same page (maybe even for a while), feeling distant, feeling your distance, wondering what the future holds, wondering how we can stay together, wondering at times how we got here, wishing things were different, wishing some things never changed, wishing you’d try harder, care more, help more…love more…

We are not easy to deal with, not by a long shot. We can be too emotional, too needy, too independent, too stubborn, too talkative, too worried, too insecure, too demanding, too negative, too hurtful, too nagging and sometimes just too much. We know this. We don’t try to be this way, it just happens. It’s part of who we are. We may be some of these things, none of these things or all of these things. Actually, we are a lot of things. We are wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, friends, caregivers, babysitters, students, employers and employees. But above all, above all the things that we are, we are mothers. We are the mothers of your children. We physically brought this/these child/children into the world. We are responsible for them 24/7. We know that you are responsible too. This gift from God wouldn’t be possible without you, but our roles are very different. Maybe you don’t see this, or maybe you do…

From this point on, we don’t have the time to be sexy. By the time the kids are in bed we are exhausted. Whether we are stay-at-home moms or working moms, we are exhausted. And we want to be sexy for you, we really do, but we literally do not have the time or the energy. So please just love us. Tell us that we are beautiful when we know we don’t even look close to that…and mean it. We want to see that look in your eyes when we go out without kids that you’re still insanely attracted to us. We want more than anything to feel loved even when making love is the last thing on our minds.

We can do it all but we will burn out. We can be the mom, the wife, the maid, the cook, the party planner, the host, the travel agent, the disciplinary, the ‘mean’ parent, the scheduler, the shopper for all needs/occasions/presents, the lunch mom, the PTA mom, the classroom mom, the sports coach, the taxi driver, the math tutor, the spelling checker, the project helper…we can be it all. But it’s not easy. It’s not easy to take on all the tasks that we do, many which go unnoticed. Sometimes we need help without asking. Sometimes we are tired too and would love to lay on the couch and veg out…but we can’t. We have to make bottles, make breakfasts, lunches and dinners, play, build forts, give baths, read bedtime stories, make sure there aren’t monsters in the room, tuck in our babies, clean up toys, clean up the house, do laundry, kiss boo-boos, help with homework, attend to cries, whines, whimpers, colds and stuffy noses. We don’t have time to relax. And if we did, we still couldn’t because our mind is listing all the things we still need to do.

So we’re sorry if we don’t have time to be the wives we once were or the wives you want. But we are the mothers. We are the moms that give our all to ensure we have respectful, kind, intelligent and loving children. We do this with your help of course, but we mostly take on this role and maybe you feel like we should. Maybe you feel as if this is what we were meant to do. But we need your help. We need your help more than you often sometimes give or offer. We need breaks. We need to lay on the couch and veg out. We need our hair done, our nails done, a massage, a nap or sleep without interruption, the ability to go to the bathroom alone, a bubble bath and sometimes we just need a day without all the responsibilities.

We love you. We really do. And even though we don’t always show it, we are blessed to have you in our lives. But you are blessed to have us too. You are blessed for all the things that we do. We may not always find time to take care of you and your needs, but we also need caring for. So the next time you begin to feel overlooked, unappreciated, dissatisfied, neglected, unnoticed and under cared for, understand that we see you, we love and we appreciate you. But our roles have shifted and as much as we try to be the best wives and mothers, sometimes being a mom is more important. So thank you for your love, your patience and your understanding. Thank you for letting outbursts slide, giving us a break and making us feel beautiful. But most of all and through it all, thank you for being our husbands.

Love,
The mothers of your children