I watch as you both grow and I want to slow down every second. I want to pause these moments because I know they are slipping through my fingers like sand and there is no getting them back. I want to capture each memory we make in my mind with perfect vividness so that I can close my eyes and relive them when you are grown and no longer need me the way that you do now.
This world is a crazy and beautiful place. I want to protect you from everything I know to be wrong with it. I want to make sure no one ever hurts you. I want to make sure you are strong enough to survive the evil that will surround you more than once. I want to teach you all that I know to be right so when faced with tough decisions, you can look back and remember the things I’ve said. I want to instill in you the values that were instilled in me. I want to give you every opportunity that I can to help you grow, flourish and succeed. I want to show you what unconditional love is and means. I want you to always feel safe at home (and part of me never wants you to leave!!!). There are so many things I want, wish, pray and hope for when it comes to the two of you.
But for now, I want you to be little. I want you to stay little (some days, I want that to last forever!). I want to see that love you have for me in your eyes each and every day. I want to feel that needy, pure and raw love you have for me. That love which flows from your hearts and melts mine. Your neediness gives me purpose, even if it does make me a little crazy at times. It keeps me in check. It humbles me. It makes me complete. It reminds me why my life has purpose…you, are my purpose.
I won’t lie to you, some days are tough…really tough. The kind of days that make me want to pull my hair out, hide anywhere that I can’t be found, scream at the top of my lungs, rip out my ears just to not hear ‘mommy’ again for the thousandth time and run away just to have a moment of silence to myself. But then I have to remind myself that you are only little for so long. There will come a time when you won’t need me the way you do right now. You won’t want me to pick you up, hold your hand, lay in bed with you, read you stories or rock you to sleep. This change is inevitable, but I just can’t bring myself to accept that yet.
So…my sweet children, I will cherish you in these moments. Even in the hardest ones, I will do my best to cherish you the way that you deserve. I will give you endless and unconditional love expecting nothing in return. I will continue to repeat the silly things you love hundreds of times throughout the day, play with you whenever you ask me to, tell that story one more time, watch the show/movie again and just give you all the attention that I can because it’s all I can do. It’s all I can do to show you how much I love you. And when this time passes, I will look back with joy in my heart for all the things we got to do, even if it does break my heart a little, for nothing will ever be more precious then your sweet innocence and love for the simple things in life which you have right now. And no time will ever be more important than this. I love you both.