Why I’m Leaving

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After months of praying, discussing and mostly stressing over, I have made the decision to leave my job. I won’t use the word ‘quit’ because I’m not a quitter. I’ll never be a quitter. It isn’t in my bones to just ‘give up’ on things. I will attribute that to God and my faith. HE keeps me strong when it’s not always easy for me to be. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of ‘I’m quitting, I’m giving up, screw this, forget that (PG version)’ moments. I think we all have…but we’re only human.

So, the decision to leave wasn’t an easy one and of course when telling others that I would be leaving the response that always followed was ‘why?’. It’s such a loaded question that I honestly still don’t know where to begin, but I will try my best to explain it.

I feel very blessed with the life I have. I’m married to an incredible man with whom I share a beautiful daughter that we love and adore. We have a lovely home which I feel happy to come home to no matter where I am. I have a wonderful family who is so supportive and loving and great friends I enjoy spending time with. I am rich in things that money cannot buy and for me, that is enough.

When you’re a mom, at least for me, it’s hard to be away from your child. Even with my child having the best care possible (her Mema!), I missed her so. I still can’t believe how fast this time is going by and my baby will be 2 years old in June. My decision started there. Her. I want to spend time with her. I want to be there for her. I want to be home with her. It was then that I knew despite the amazing flexibility my job had given me and a one-in-a-million boss, nothing was worth my time away from her.

Then came the second…a hobby. A hobby to create, something I’ve always loved doing since I was little. The hobby turned into a little business and over time I hope will be a big one! I had to pursue it. Now was the time. Yes, I’m leaving a steady paycheck for something as inconsistent as the weather, but I had to do it. I had to take that leap. I made  Let’s Get Chalky a business and now my goal is to pursue it passionately!

A baby and a business and a decision to run full force as a mom and small business owner 🙂 It wasn’t an easy decision, not at all, but there are a lot of decisions in life that aren’t. I put my faith in God that HE will handle the rest and I know HE will, however everything is supposed to work out.

So here I am, on my last day of work, reflecting upon my four years spent here and I leave with a smile. I leave knowing that this is the best decision for me and my family. I leave knowing that the future is exciting, unknown and I look forward to all that is to come. I want to thank my amazing family for all of their support and especially all of their help with Emma during this transition period. I want to thank my husband for working so hard each and every day for our family that has allowed for this opportunity to even be possible. But most of all, I want to thank God for blessing me with Emma Grace and showing me my real purpose in life…to be someone’s mom.

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But Do They Really Get It?

Sometimes I sit and wonder if my husband really gets what I do, whether it be home with our daughter all day or just the generalized wifely duties. I try my best to do everything and maybe that’s the problem, but sometimes I just feel like he doesn’t get or appreciate it. Sometimes I feel like we’re arguing over the fact that I left some lights on which needed to be shut off instead of appreciating that I was able to pick up around the house and make dinner.

It’s frustrating. It really, really is. On the flip side, I get what he does, maybe not completely but for the most part. I get that he’s the major source of our income and works hard each and every day to provide for our family. I get that he has stresses about his job, its security, our family and being able to support us. I can’t imagine the stress of that financial responsibility. And maybe I also don’t always show or tell him how much I appreciate what he does…and maybe that’s the problem.

When we both stop appreciating one another, we start resenting. Resentment is the worst. It causes a build up of anger, disappointment, sometimes jealousy and overall frustration. It makes us snap over little things. It causes us to dislike something or someone little by little. And in marriages, it takes away some of the compassion, love and support we should always have for one another. It takes away our ability to understand, to have empathy for, to reason with and to find patience. Resentment is an evil feeling that if continued too long, can really wreck havoc on ourselves and our relationships.

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not perfect. At times, I can be impulsive, say things without thinking and can go from zero to sixty in an instance. I am not proud of these things, but again, I am not perfect and all I can do is try to improve these behaviors. But when I feel unloved, unappreciated and misunderstood, I have a hard time being anything but resentful.

This is when a new pattern of thinking needs to happen. This is when I need to express what I’m feeling and hope my husband would do the same. Instead of harboring anger, I need to channel my frustration into love. I need to remember that we are a team, we are in this together and the way I say things to him can determine how a conversation will go.

But the question still becomes, does he really get it? I think so, or at least, I hope. Because I am trying my hardest to be the best mom, wife and employee that I can be. I am trying to balance it all without losing myself in the process. And maybe I don’t always appreciate him the way he doesn’t always appreciate me, but at the end of the day, I hope we can take the time to find the appreciation in one another. And when all else fails, there is always hope. Hope for a change, hope for tomorrow and hope for the chance to make a difference. I will always have hope for us and our relationship.

On some level, we all can be unappreciative of our blessings. The important thing to remember is we can always find our way back. Appreciate what you have, for at any moment, it can be taken away from you.

When Did I Stop Caring Completely?

There came a point in my life when I stopped caring about what I looked like. I didn’t stop caring completely, I just ‘wasn’t as concerned’. It happened after my wedding. I was in the best shape of my life and I was newly married. I had a husband so my desire on ‘dressing to impress’ vanished. I found someone who loved me for ‘me’, even when that me had no make up on or was covered in acne creams. He loves me through all it all, even in the moments where I am the furthest thing from ‘sexy’.

We found ways to continue to stay in shape so we didn’t fall into letting ourselves go as a married couple, but when you live together, there isn’t really time to impress or a need (I think the vows ‘for better or worse’ could probably be applied here). Sure, we got dressed up for date nights, work functions, holidays and other events, but it wasn’t all the time. It wasn’t like when we were dating. And even after a while, you become comfortable enough to stop ‘trying’. I remember the first time I decided not to wear make up to hang out with my now husband. As I drove over to his (now our) home, I had this pit in my stomach filled with worry about what he would think. I entered with the bold statement, “well, this is me without make up” as he told me my face is beautiful and he always wants to see me that way…

Well, his wish is my command! I’m sure he didn’t mean ‘all the time’ but these days, that’s definitely what he gets. I have completely stopped caring about how I look. I think the worst part is it’s spilled into the rest of my life too. I go grocery shopping in sweat pants, I sometimes don’t even brush my hair before throwing it up and heading off to work and when we have parties/work functions/events to attend, it’s truly a struggle for me to fully dry my hair and put a somewhat presentable face forward.

I have become a beautifying slob. I have stopped caring completely about what I look like and it’s not okay. I have become lazy with my looks. I am embarrassed…except, I’m really not! I can scold myself a million times but I just don’t care that much. I should…but I don’t. I had a friend mention to me who got a new job that she wanted to dress better because she thinks people take you more seriously when you do. I tend to agree. Putting on my business suit, fixing my hair and applying some make up goes much farther than my baggy sweaters and maternity pants (which I completely need to stop wearing but I refuse until I return to my pre-pregnancy weight!). Or does it? Do people really care? Seriously, do they?

I need to work on getting back to trying with my looks, I really do. I guess there is just so much else going on in my life I don’t have the time or the will. Because as much as I say I don’t care, i still have that desire to feel pretty. I want to look it and be told it. Not all the time, but every now and then. So today I dressed better for work, wore my hair down and even applied some make up. Does it make me feel more confident or that people are taking me more seriously? Not really, but at least it’s an effort. And without effort, we would never have results. Beauty is only skin deep, but it never hurts to give that skin a good house cleaning once in a while.