I’m Not Cut Out For This…

It was her first accident. I wasn’t there. It was a complete accident but nonetheless, it made me think that maybe I’m not cut out for this… 

Emma has two teeth now and her bottom one had hit the edge of those plastic tables kids with all the gadgets on top that babies her age play with. While the injury was unknown of its location at the time, I was told she cried very hard. 

 She wasn’t herself on the way home. It wasn’t until I began feeding her solids I noticed her tooth had gone from upright to bent forward. I had my husband confirm it which he did. I started to sob. I couldn’t stop. I was angry then sad then angry and then sad again. While it was an accident, I couldn’t help but be upset because I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there.  

 I gave her Tylenol to ease the pain and she was back to her smiling, happy self (pictured here). She wouldn’t put anything in her mouth and it was clear why. I felt terrible. I felt helpless. I felt in the moment that maybe I’m not cut out for this… 

Maybe I’m not cut out to be a mom. 

I can’t handle the stress of knowing that these injuries will only continue! I can try my best to prevent them but I won’t be able to. I won’t be able to control it…any of it. And yes, I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to trust that everything will work out and when it doesn’t that everything happens for reason but I have a hard time with that. She is my baby. She is my sweet little peanut. She is the joy of my life! 

I heard a beautiful homily at mass the other day. The priest (deacon who is married) talked about how you don’t really know what true love is until you have children. He said that couples who first get married are in love with the idea of love, but it isn’t until you are responsible for another human life that you realize what unconditional love and sacrifice really is.

He couldn’t have been more accurate. I love my husband but it was honestly the birth of my daughter that I really understood true love. I understood the love that Mary had for her only son Jesus. And she had to watch her son be crucified. I. Can’t. Even. Imagine. 

I can only hope I continue to grow stronger, especially when she is injured, intentionally or unintentionally. But for now, I will be a little heartbroken over her accident and how I would give anything to take away her pain. Maybe I am cut out for this after all :). 

 And it’s off to the peds dentist we go!

Loss.

Loss. We all go through it. There are a variety of ways in which we lose. We lose those we love whether by death, the end of a relationship or a friendship. We lose out on promotions or we lose our jobs. We lose an important game we’re playing in or watching our favorite teams play. In moments of stress and frustration, we can lose our patience and even our sanity. In moments of sadness, we can lose our strength. In moments of uncertainty, we can lose trust. And in moments of disappointment and despair, we can lose our faith.

I believe that loss is one of the hardest things we go through as individuals. I reflect upon this because as I have a daughter now my biggest fear is losing her. I realize that is not my choice, that is up to God, but I cannot imagine that kind of pain. I know others that have lost children in pregnancy, at birth, as children and even as adults. One of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer and passed away when we were 21 years old. I cannot begin to comprehend the loss his parents and family felt. The loss of child is something no parent should go through, but I believe God has a greater purpose for these very special individuals. However, that doesn’t ease the pain. While I feel that time does heal all wounds, there are still the scars that live as reminders of the hurt we once and maybe even still endure.

I think about losing my parents and I immediately start to cry. I can’t imagine when that day comes and I no longer have them to talk to, go to advice for, share in special milestones and moments with and just that constant and unconditional love our parents give us. My husband lost his father when he was 17 years old and it breaks my heart how much he misses him. I know many people that have experienced the loss of a parent and I just hope that you can continue to find the strength to know they are in the best place they can be and although they are not physically here, their presence lives on in your hearts and in many of the things you do. We not only inherit our parents genes but also many of their behaviors and mannerisms that I believe can be a source of comfort when the pains of missing them become stronger during certain times. I cannot speak personally on this, but I know when that day comes I will need my faith more than anything to get through it.

I have lost friends over the years, some by my choice and others by theirs. It hurts. It’s very hard to watch people change and see those friendships diminish. Some just fade as your lives go in different directions and you grow apart while others end bitterly. I miss some of the friendships I no longer have but I believe people come and go in our lives for a reason and those that stay are meant to. I have lost relationships but those were for the best, however, at the time it seemed like the end of the world. For anyone not married or not with the person they will spend the rest of their lives with, all I can say is that when you find the one you are meant to be with, that relationship will stick through good times and bad. And when they don’t and you so desperately wanted it to, try to remember that in the long run, you will be better off (I know I am!).

Loss scares me but I know that whatever is supposed to happen in my life will happen and I just need to accept that. It’s never easy but I believe that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Yes, that seems silly to say because there are times where I personally felt like my life was unbearable, but that is when I found Him and trusted the most. Even if you aren’t religious, sometimes I think things happen so that you find a relationship with God, but maybe that’s just me! I know this post isn’t on the happy side, but I hope it helps you reflect on your own losses and accept that all things happen for a reason and to keep your head up!