Will I Ever Stop the ‘Breathing Tests’?

Since the day my daughter was born I have been doing the ‘breathing tests’. You know, the one where you either place your hand gently on their chest to feel it going up and down or listen to hear their actual breathing. Or, maybe you zoom in as far as you can on the monitor to see their breathing movements. I remember in the early months checking on her every hour or so as she laid in her bassinet next to me as well as jumping up multiple times during the night because I felt like it was too long without hearing any crying. Yes, those tests.

I still check the monitor during nap times and at night as she curiously makes her way around the crib, bouncing and babbling until she eventually tires herself out and falls asleep. And when it’s finally time for me to go to sleep, I check it once more, turn up the volume just in case (we have a bungalow so her room is downstairs and ours is upstairs) and then if I wake up randomly during the night I’ll check it again just to see how she’s doing.

I’m not sure if this is a ‘mom thing’ or I’m just a paranoid nut but all I do know is it gives me some sense of peace. I know I have no control over her life. While my job is do the best I can to provide her with love, security and safety, God has a plan for her that is out of my control. And I am okay with that…in fact, I am more than okay with it. However, there is still a part of me that worries. A part of me that thinks, what if she stops breathing? Maybe that feeling will never go away because as moms, I think we will always worry. We will always worry about the safety and well-being of our children. How can we not? They are these little miracles that we created!

So while I may be overly checking on the breathing patterns of my child, I have to say that watching her sleep is one of my favorite things to do. Seeing her curled up (the above picture is usually how she sleeps) and just quietly reflecting on how much she’s grown and continues to grow brings the biggest smile to my face. I helped make her….and she is mine, and I am hers :).

This is What Naptime Looks Like

Since the discovery of being able to pull herself up and stand in the crib, my daughter has turned nap (and bed) time into play time. I will lay her down as she puts her hands over her face, the usual ‘I’m tired and ready for sleep’ move. However, this little nugget does this only to lure me confidently out of the room to which she immediately sits up and begins party time!

Here’s how I picture what she’s thinking, parenthesis indicates what things actually are:

Ok, pretend I’m tired. Yep, night mom, laying down until 3, 2,….Ok she’s out! Ha! And I am sitting up. Oh, another fun thing that goes in my mouth (pacifier)! I’m going to bang this against these things here (crib rails) and makes lots of noise. BANG BANG BANG! This is lots of fun. Uh oh, the fun thing (paci) fell, I think I’ll stand up and try to get it. Ok, here we go….and I’m up! Ha! Now where is that thing (paci)? Maybe if I just move down this thing (top railing) I’ll find it. Whoops, fell backwards. I’ll just try to pull myself up again. Here we go….aaaaaaand UP! Easy. Back down! Aaaaaaaaaand up…back down! THUD. Yep, that was my head, now I’m going to scream loud because that one hurt. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

And here’s what I’m thinking:

Wow, that was easy, she definitely was tired as I quietly step out and turn on the monitor. Oh that little….she’s up! She is up! Oh fun, banging the paci on the rails. Yep, that’s on the ground now, well at lease she still has the one in her mouth. Oh, standing up now, great. Here we go! She’s up, wobbling, I can’t look away because she’s going to….fall, yep, there it is. Oh, back up again. I’m going to have a heart attack. Back down again. Oh child, please just go to bed! Back up….she’s close that that edge, oh this isn’t going to be good I think as I drop the monitor and walk towards the room….THUD. I hear her start to cry and feel sick to my stomach as I pick her up immediately to console her.

Yes, this is the nightmare of nap and bed time. My fearless child thinks she’s bigger than she is and wants to explore the world of standing. But you know what? She should. I can’t keep her in a bubble. She’s going to get hurt and not on purpose but because she’s a curious baby who’s becoming more and more aware of her surroundings. I can try my best to prevent these situations but they’re going to happen and the best thing I can do is not panic the way I have been every time I put her in her crib (aka her jungle gym).

Every day is filled with new excitement, adventures, challenges and experiences. I love being a part of them. I love being a mom. I love this child. But right now, I would just love it if she went to sleep!