But Seriously…This is a Real Website?

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Apparently there is a website called Ashley Madison which states on its Facebook page, “is the world’s leading infidelity service for married people looking for something more. Launched on Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2002, over 12 million people worldwide have since joined the top social network for married dating. Have a guaranteed affair and break up the monotony in your marriage.” I was unaware of this site (guess I’m behind the times) until I read an article about it getting hacked. It prompted me to find and read numerous other articles regarding the scandal (and the site). If you’re looking for the basics to what happened, I suggest reading the article posted here by Wired.com. But I’m not here to talk about the hack, I’m here to talk about the site. There are so many problems with it I don’t even know where to begin but here goes…

“Have a guaranteed affair and break up the monotony in your marriage.” We now live in a world where everyone has the right to get married but let’s shit on that with websites like this. Let’s demoralize marriage by promoting infidelity. Yeah, let’s do that, because the world isn’t already morally corrupt enough. Way to go Noel! Who is Noel, you might ask? Oh, Noel Biderman is the douche bag a.k.a CEO & President of this website and Avid Life Media, which also owns CougarLife.com and EstablishedMen.com. According to the Avid Life Media website, “Noel is a family man who is happily married with two children. He holds a law degree from Osgoode Hall Law School and currently lives in Toronto, Ontario.” Family man? Happily married? How can you be a happily married family man if you own a website that promotes infidelity? I know what some of you critics will say, ‘well, he can be because that’s his job not his personal life.’ Wrong. I’m sorry, but oh so very wrong (in my opinion).

Cheating on a spouse is so much more than just the physical act. Its repercussions have a Domino effect on all parties involved. Trust is broken, the memory possibly forgiven but never forgotten or never forgiven and never to be forgotten. Children caught in the crossfires and used as pawns. Cheating destroys relationships. It breaks up families. Family members and friends are forced to choose sides. Lives are ruined. When you own a website that is dedicated to “breaking up the monotony in your marriage”, I do not believe you can call yourself a happily married family man. You just can’t. You created the site that you call your ‘business’. You invest time and money into this ‘business’. You have to promote this ‘business’. In order to promote your ‘business’, you have believe in it, in the product, in what it stands for, otherwise it’s a sham, is it not? When you get married you take a vow with your partner before God (I understand this may not be for everyone but for me it is), family and friends to be faithful, honest and true to one another. If you are a happily married man that means that you live by those words, unless those words to you mean something completely different and it sounds like they do. Maybe to him, happily married involves cheating. And maybe that’s why he considers himself so happy? And as a family man, what does he tell his children he does? Is he honest about his career or does he hide it the way his website hides its secrets…or at least tried to. I don’t know this man’s day-to-day, what he does, what kind of relationships he has, but from reading about his website and some of his interviews, I just don’t think you can represent yourself as a happily married family man who runs a website for cheating spouses.

Recently, Ashley Madison was hacked by a group calling themselves ‘Team Impact’. First, I’d like to say thank you to Team Impact. Whatever the reason (I’m hoping it’s moral), I thank you for your crusade to remove this filth from the Internet. And yes, I said the Internet, because that’s where this site is. Are people actually that naive to think their information is super secure? This must be the same people who think their ‘snap chats’ actually just magically disappear! Oh, and I carefully chose the word ‘crusade’ because that’s exactly what it is. It’s a crusade in our world to fight for freedom, religious beliefs and it’s also a crusade to fight for morality.

Ashley Madison’s website slogan is as follows: “Life is short. Have an affair.” Really? No, really? Did happily married man Noel approve that slogan? He probably came up with it! Life is short, yes it is. But the last time I checked you got married to spend the rest of your life with one person. You made that choice…for better or for worse. And if you can’t or don’t stand by those vows, guess what? You can get divorced! Heck, half of America is according to statistics nowadays. The divorce rate is staggering, but you have that option. The option you don’t have as a married person is to cheat. That is not part of the deal. Everyone knows this, even you Noel.

Do I feel bad about this website being hacked? Heck no, you get what you deserve. These people made a conscious choice to go out to this website and partake in all of its charades. They knew the risk. And even if they didn’t, if they really thought their secrets were safe, I am an avid believer in ‘the truth always comes out, one way or another’. However, this was a crime. Hacking data and releasing personal information is illegal. I don’t support crime. Two wrongs don’t make a right. People stand up for what they believe in every single day whether it be a simple ‘no’, a company strike or war. A lot of times these ‘crusades’ come at a cost. People get hurt. People die. Just because it’s the right thing to do doesn’t always make it right to do. So while I don’t condone the action (even though I did thank them), I understand their intentions. Am I concerned about security overall on the Internet? Yes. I don’t think any site is really secure (back in college my ATM card was hacked and people in China were withdrawing money out of my account!). If governmental websites can be hacked, anything can be.

But with regards to this site, I hope it gets shut down. I really, really do. I think it’s kind of ironic how a website that’s supposed to have secret affairs hidden is slowly being exposed for all to see. However, I still have hope for our world. I hope we can get back to a place where we live morally. We stop the hate, stop the crime, stop the bullying, the deceit and try to change… to be better, if not for ourselves but our children and future generations. I don’t want my daughter growing up in a world where ‘Anything goes!’. No thank you. And as for the monotony in my own marriage, I will gladly take it because after all, I said ‘yes’ to only one man for a reason :).

Why I Needed to be Cheated On…

As my husband and I are about to celebrate six years of being together and four years of marriage in August, it got me to thinking about how we became this twosome. His persistence and my resistance;)…and that one dinner which forever changed me…but before our love story, there was my own heart break and why I needed to be cheated on…

First, let me start out by saying cheating is the worst…THE ABSOLUTE WORST. To me, it is the ultimate betrayal. It’s not only a betrayal of your monogamous relationship, but also of your trust. It’s a train wreck to your heart and the reason you wonder if you can ever be so vulnerable with someone again. Cheating can make any person come undone. It’s utterly damaging to every part of you…

After the initial shock (because let’s be honest, even if you slightly suspect it, you never hope it to be true), the questions start rolling in your mind. Why did this happen? Doesn’t he/she love me? And the end-all-be-all…What’s wrong with me? The last question is the saddest because if you’ve been there you’ve asked yourself this. What’s wrong with me that this happened? You start to doubt yourself. You begin to pick apart all the flaws you see and tell yourself those are the reasons. You feel alone, unworthy and unloved. You feel betrayed, deceived and insanely angry. You feel like someone stabbed you and knocked the wind out of you at the same time. You feel lost…

I was cheated on in a past relationship. It sucked. It was one of the worst times in my life. I was beyond devastated. I thought I would never recover let alone find someone I could love and trust again. I was in a bad place for a long time. We were together for three years and I thought he was the one. “Thought.”

But just like the saying, time heals all wounds, time really did. What I thought was love really wasn’t. We were completely wrong for each other. We didn’t have a single thing in common besides a mutual physical attraction towards one another. We were both in completely different places in our lives…professionally, financially and emotionally. We clearly wanted different things but I was too blinded by love to see that. That’s probably the hardest part about really loving someone…you don’t see things the way they really are but how you think they are or how you think you can change them to be. There’s a lot of denial when it comes to love. So…he broke my heart and we broke up. And looking back now, if that never happened I would have stayed in that relationship. I would waited for things to change…for him to change. I look back to the beginning and realize he never really wanted to be with me in the first place! All the games, the waiting, are we or aren’t we…I was so stupid!!!!

But you know? I learned a lot from that relationship. I learned a lot about myself. I learned what I really wanted in a partner and when the time was right, I found him. I was more confident and emotionally stronger than I had ever been. Don’t get me wrong, it took over a year to get myself to that point, but I got there.

In my failed relationship, I found my true self. I found the woman I wanted to be and the man I needed by my side. I didn’t settle. I looked beyond physical appearances to what ultimately matters. Can I spend the rest of my life with this person? When all is said and done, the looks have faded and years have gone by, can we do this? Can we make it? Yes, I’m incredibly attracted to my husband but it’s not the basis of our relationship. Marriage is more than physical, it’s a foundation of friendship. My husband became my best friend and he still is. I finally found someone I could be completely me around. Someone who loved me flaws and all. Someone who wasn’t afraid to show me how much he loved me. I found him. I found the one (some people don’t believe in “the one” but I wholeheartedly do!).

Anyone who has experienced being cheated on knows there is so much more than the act of cheating. And it happens on all levels…dating, engaged, married. It can get nasty and messy and when kids are involved it breaks my heart because sometimes they are thrown in the very middle of it (keep the bad mouthing and arguing to each other or friends if you need to vent, don’t bring your children into it!).

I honestly think cheating is the worst. But you know what? I needed to be cheated on. I needed to get out of a relationship I wouldn’t have left. I needed to be so hurt that I could hate him, move on and then forgive him. I forgave him so I could be free…and happy! He wasn’t going to ever apologize. I forgave him in my heart for me, not for him. I needed it. I needed to let go. And you know what? The minute I did it and truly meant it…I’m talking honestly wishing him well in life, I felt so much peace. I wasn’t bitter anymore. I could see him places and be happy for his new life and my own. I wasn’t secretly wishing he was miserable. And to this day, I still honestly wish him the best.

God had a plan for me and I just needed to trust Him. He blessed me with the most amazing man and I couldn’t be happier. Marriage isn’t easy but I’m with my one my soul loves and that to me was worth it. I would go through all the pain again if it meant I got to be with my husband in the end. So maybe you’re stuck in your relationship or you have been cheated on and can’t let go of the pain or maybe you’ve been the cheater….here is my advice to you…

Don’t settle…he/she is out there. Have faith and patience. Let go of the past and the pain, all it’s doing is causing you harm in the end and finally forgive and ask for forgiveness. Even if you don’t get the apology you want, forgive in your heart and mean it. And if you hurt someone, if you cheated, say you’re sorry. Own up to your mistake. Life is too short. Make your peace. And never stop believing in true love!

I love you MPD. Forever and always.