Today, I Give Up

As moms, we are tested every day. We are tested on how much ‘we can handle’. This is determined by the realistic expectations we set for ourselves paired with the unrealistic expectations we have as mothers.

It’s not easy to be a mom. And unless you are one, you can never truly understand the struggle. Because when I say it’s a struggle, oh it’s such a struggle. Being a mom takes everything out of you, every ounce of you and it never quits. Motherhood never ends. It’s a 24/7 job. But your kids sleep at night? Ha! If your child sleeps through the night then congratulations, but that will not always be the case. They will wake up sick or cold or hot or thirsty or needing to pee or anything else imaginable that requires “MOMMMMMY!”. And when babies wake up it’s even worse because they can’t tell us what’s wrong besides crying! But even when your kids are sleeping through the night, you’re still up putting away toys, doing dishes, cleaning bottles, finishing laundry you couldn’t get to, pumping, prepping lunches, organizing backpacks, working (like me! My second job begins once my kids go down) and cleaning up the nightmare that is your kitchen because let’s be honest, it’s a hot mess. Your job never ends. And you know? It’s exhausting. It’s literally exhausting.

But ‘it’s sooooo worth it’ and we are supposed to feel that way all the time, right? Children are a blessing. They are a beautiful gift from God. I will never argue that. They are so worth it. But that doesn’t mean we have to feel that way all the time. That doesn’t mean we can’t have days where we are frustrated, angry, tired and completely out of patience! That makes us humans. That makes us real moms, not these unrealistic ones who are supposed to have our s$&@ together all the time.

Sometimes I think about the Blessed Mother and wonder how she was with Jesus. Did she get frustrated with him? Did she discipline him? She must have been terrified when He stayed back in Jerusalem after the Festival of the Passover while her and Joseph traveled on for a day. They eventually found him after three days preaching at the Synagogue! “Why were you searching for me?” He asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” But they did not understand what he was saying to them. I cannot begin to imagine losing either of my children, especially not in the world we live in now.

Each day, I tell myself I want to be more like Mary. I want to have her patience and humility. I want to have her love and her heart. So I try. I wake up each day and I tell myself, have patience, they’re only little for so long, thank God for your blessings. I even have reminders on my phone that beep at certain times during the day to remind myself of these! But they don’t always work. There are days like today where I give up. The days where everything little and big go wrong. I take my kids to church and my son screams the entire time. My kids argue, smack each other, yell, hit, throw things and tantrums like it’s their job and as their boss, they’re WAY too good at their jobs. Yes, these days when my sweet children are little monsters and I can’t do it. I can’t. I give up.

So I cry. Usually this is at night for no one to see but today at mass I broke down. Luckily my sister was there and I pulled it together. But this is part of motherhood. This is the raw, real part of it that we all deal with. Yes, some deal with it on a grander scale (children with cancer or other diseases), but we all have our burdens to bear as mothers.

So for any of you moms out there struggling, for any moms out there giving up today, know that you are not alone. Know that at the end of the day, you are so blessed with children who love you more than anything in this world. Know that ‘this too shall pass’ and whatever stage or phase you are in with your children, it will get better. As for me, mine are only little for so long and no matter how frustrated I get, I keep telling myself that I’ll never get this time with them again. Some days I feel like it might kill me, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right? Hang in there mamas, you’re doing an amazing job!

For My Son…

For my son…

Today you were born. I had the fears I heard many have with a second child on the way….but how could I love another just as much? That’s the amazing part about the miracle of birth, the love is inside of you. And when you decided to enter the world, my love only grew stronger. This love is like no other. We are bonded in a way only mothers who have sons can truly understand. You hold my heart and that will never change.

You came into this world the happiest baby and you still are. You are my sunshine baby. You make the world brighter. Sure, you are curious and adventurous and into everything you possibly could be, but I know that only means positive things for the future. I know that you will be brave and brilliant, strong and resilient, a leader and a do-er. And let’s not forget your charm that will win everyone over, just like your dad ;).

Two years have flown by and I wish I could make time stand still. You feel like such a little person already when I still see you as my baby boy. I still see that great big grin and feel those little arms around me. I still have the moments when you lay your head on my chest at night before you go to bed. I still look forward to going into your room every morning and seeing that great big smile. You are filled with so much joy and love that I hope you always carry that with you. I hope you never stop being you because YOU are incredible!

So on your birthday as I watch that video ‘slow down’ and cry my eyes out, I hope you always know how much I love you. I hope you know that having you for a son is a blessing I will be forever grateful for. I hope you know that you complete our family and I couldn’t imagine life without you. And finally, I hope you know that you no matter what you do or wherever you go, my love will always find you.

Can We Just Stop?

Did you ever stop to think about how much you complain? Maybe you’re one of those people who thinks you don’t complain but let’s be honest, you do. We all do. Silently or vocally…we complain. We complain about little things and we complain about big things. Maybe we complain because it’s raining which has ruined our plans for the day or because our kids aren’t listening for the hundredth time today or how frustrated we are in traffic or angry we are with a spouse or a friend. We complain about politics, religion, finances, jobs and pretty much everything under the sun! We complain to friends, to co-workers, to siblings, to friends, to our significant other, to our kids and sometimes even to strangers! I found myself in line at Target one day as I said out loud ‘what is taking so long in this returns line’ which got three other people in line complaining as well.

We should be ashamed. I know I am. And do you know why we should be ashamed? Because complaining does nothing. It’s an instant gratification that fixes nothing. For that second, it feels good, maybe it even feels validated, but in the long run, it does nothing. We can’t change people, who they are or their opinions and we definitely can’t change circumstances. We can try, but that’s about it. And eventually everything works out, doesn’t it? Yes, not always the way we want it to, but it does. And that’s part of life. That’s part of accepting there is a greater plan for us that we have no control over.

I think we need to be more grateful than we are. I say that as a society, not just an individual (but I definitely need to check myself at times). We need to embrace the gifts and blessings we have. We need to hold on to them. We need to cherish them. And this task isn’t easy. This is the hard one. Complaining is the easy one. But once we free ourselves from the negativity, I think we’ll find the little joys. The joys we had as children. The way I watch my son play with pots and pans full of excitement or how happy my daughter is when I lay in bed with her every night as we giggle doing our silly ‘bedtime routines’ or even just falling asleep next to each other. I may not have the perfect life, but I have a lot to be thankful for. My kids are healthy. Sure, they get bumps and bruises more often than I would like, but overall there are no grave issues with regards to their health. That is a HUGE blessing because it can change in the blink of an eye. Ever complain when you’re sick about how miserable you are? I know I have. But eventually you get over the sickness, right? You don’t have cancer. You had a cold. And sometimes we need that over-the-top comparison to realize what we have instead of what we don’t.

So can we just stop? Can we just stop complaining? Probably not. We have too many opinions. We have too many feelings. We have too many outlets and too many platforms to tell everyone how we feel about everything. And maybe we also have too much time. We have too much time to complain and too little time to care, to love, to accept and to enjoy.

Being a mom isn’t easy. I complain daily. I complain multiple times a day. Some days, I have complete meltdowns. I won’t deny this. But I’m trying. Oh I’m trying so dang hard. My mom told me something wonderful today as I complained about being a mom. She said to me, “You are doing a great job. If you keep trying to be the perfect mom you will just exhaust yourself. Then everyone suffers. Trust me.” She is so right! There is no perfect when it comes to parenting. And yes, we can complain about it. We can talk about all the reasons being a mom is so unbelievably difficult. Sometimes, that support is needed. Sometimes we just need to vent it out, cry it out, scream and shout it out and even complain it out. Complaining is natural as imperfect humans, but it doesn’t have to be constant. Let’s try supporting each other the best ways we can. Let’s show compassion and love, forgiveness and acceptance, kindness and goodness. We can make this negative world better, we have to.



The Kind of Parent I Want to Be

No ever thinks about what kind of parent they want to be when they’re younger, at least, I never did. Even when you talked about what you wanted to be when you ‘grew up’, I’m sure if or when you said like mommy or daddy you really didn’t know what those words meant. I don’t think we really think about what kind of parent we want to be until we actually become parents. Yes, you more than likely talked about it with your future spouse before marriage. You shared how you grew up, how your parents were, things you liked and didn’t like and maybe even gave your own thoughts about how you would parent. When you got engaged, you talked about becoming a family and how that would change your twosome. Feelings of excitement and nervousness filled your body about the possibility of a ‘mini’ you or your husband. And then when you got pregnant, you thoroughly prepared yourself for your new role, envisioning what it will be like and trying to plan for it all. Then reality sets in and it hits you. It hits you HARD. And just like that, you’re officially a parent. There is no slow motion in parenting (despite how many moments we wish we could). The minute you become a parent it’s as if someone threw you in the ocean and just as you stand up, SMACK! you get crushed by a giant wave. You fight to get up again and you’re pretty out of breathe when SMACK, you’re hit again this time even harder. But now… now you know what’s coming so you’re prepared for this big wave….you get up, get your bearings and…nothing. Ahh, time to relax……SMACK! Parenting doesn’t stop. And even when you think you have the hang of it, everything changes.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what kind of parent I want to be. Sometimes, it keeps me up at night. Sometimes, it leaves me in tears. Sometimes, it fills me with so much anxiety and fear that I start to panic wondering if I’m doing the right things. Am I doing the right things? Am I doing anything right?! Am I being the kind of parent my kids deserve? Because let’s face it, our kids deserve everything. And I don’t mean that in the entitlement kind of way, I mean that in the parenting kind of way. They deserve to get everything they can from us because it’s going to make them who they are one day. So shouldn’t we give them the very best of us? Is that even enough? If your parents are Baby Boomers like mine, then you probably grew up hearing ‘I only want the best for you’ or ‘I want you to have more than what I had’ or ‘I want to give you more than I was given’. Our parents always wanted more for us. They just wanted to give and give and give. They never stopped giving. You don’t understand that kind of ‘give’ until you’re a parent. You just don’t. There is nothing like it. When you’re a parent, you give until there is nothing left to give, and then you give more.

We want to see our children grow and succeed and become the best possible versions of themselves but being a parent nowadays isn’t easy. In fact, it’s almost nearly impossible. I don’t know how my parents did it. I really don’t. To try to keep up with a job, a marriage, children, a house, cooking, cleaning, school, school activities, sports, extracurricular activities, homework, meetings, church activities, volunteering and all the other things that come along with life as a parent seems completely unmanageable! And on top of that, now everyone gets to document it. Now everyone gets to show off what ‘amazing’ parents they are. This is not meant to insult anyone at all. I’ll be the first to say, I love sharing pictures of the fun things I do with my kids, who doesn’t? And I know almost all moms would agree with me that in the middle of one of your child’s meltdowns, not only is there no time to share it, but it’s such utter chaos that the thought of sharing it doesn’t even enter your mind. Yes, we share the best parts of parenting and it’s great, but sometimes it makes life seem a little less real, don’t you think? That’s when I personally have to step back and ask myself, why am I even on here? Why do I care about what other people are doing? I need to be spending time with my kids!

So here’s what I’ve decided. Here’s the kind of parent I want to be.

I want to be the kind of parent that one day, my kids will thank me for all the things I did, the things I taught them and even the times I was really tough on them. I want them to have the best memories of their childhood and look back upon it with fondness, joy and love. I hope that fondness fosters future memories for them with their children. I want to be the kind of parent that doesn’t give up….EVER….and always tells my kids I love them, no matter what they may say to me. I want to be the parent that teaches my children not only how to pray but to KEEP praying, because God hears your prayers (even if you don’t get the answer that you want). I want my kids to know I pray for them every single day (usually more than once!) and that will never stop.

But right now, I want to be a yes mom to my kids. No, that doesn’t mean I will give my children everything they want, but it means I will say yes to the things that I know one day they won’t ask me for. Yes I will play with you, yes I will lay with you, yes I will color with you, yes I will run around the house and chase you, yes I will read you that story again, yes I will spin you around for the hundredth time, yes I will make silly faces with you…YES, YES YES! I need more ‘yes’ moments. I need to give my children more ‘yes’ moments, because these are the ones you can’t get back.

Listen, I am far from this parent. I know that I can write these words so much more easily than I can put them into action. But this is an aspiration for me. This is me saying, YES I CAN DO THIS! Yes, I can do this on the days I run out of patience and it’s only nine o’clock in the morning. Yes, I can do this on the days I’ve been yelled at, slapped, smacked, bitten, peed on, spit up on and been thrown food on. Yes, I can do this when the house is a mess AGAIN, no one is listening or eating or doing anything they should be! Yes, I can do this because in the end, THIS is all you have. The days might be exhausting and unbearable and even downright miserable at times, but it’s the little moments, the little glimpses of pure joy that make it all worth it. The moments when I’m running around with my husband and our kids on the lawn in the middle of summer having a water gun fight and laughing so hard it hurts. The moments when you almost forget where you are and what you should be doing because you’re just enjoying those precious moments with your kids. Find your ‘yes’ mom and cherish those moments. I know I will.

To My Sweet Children…

I watch as you both grow and I want to slow down every second. I want to pause these moments because I know they are slipping through my fingers like sand and there is no getting them back. I want to capture each memory we make in my mind with perfect vividness so that I can close my eyes and relive them when you are grown and no longer need me the way that you do now.

This world is a crazy and beautiful place. I want to protect you from everything I know to be wrong with it. I want to make sure no one ever hurts you. I want to make sure you are strong enough to survive the evil that will surround you more than once. I want to teach you all that I know to be right so when faced with tough decisions, you can look back and remember the things I’ve said. I want to instill in you the values that were instilled in me.  I want to give you every opportunity that I can to help you grow, flourish and succeed. I want to show you what unconditional love is and means. I want you to always feel safe at home (and part of me never wants you to leave!!!). There are so many things I want, wish, pray and hope for when it comes to the two of you.

But for now, I want you to be little. I want you to stay little (some days, I want that to last forever!). I want to see that love you have for me in your eyes each and every day. I want to feel that needy, pure and raw love you have for me. That love which flows from your hearts and melts mine. Your neediness gives me purpose, even if it does make me a little crazy at times. It keeps me in check. It humbles me. It makes me complete. It reminds me why my life has purpose…you, are my purpose.

I won’t lie to you, some days are tough…really tough. The kind of days that make me want to pull my hair out, hide anywhere that I can’t be found, scream at the top of my lungs, rip out my ears just to not hear ‘mommy’ again for the thousandth time and run away just to have a moment of silence to myself. But then I have to remind myself that you are only little for so long. There will come a time when you won’t need me the way you do right now. You won’t want me to pick you up, hold your hand, lay in bed with you, read you stories or rock you to sleep. This change is inevitable, but I just can’t bring myself to accept that yet.

So…my sweet children, I will cherish you in these moments. Even in the hardest ones, I will do my best to cherish you the way that you deserve. I will give you endless and unconditional love expecting nothing in return. I will continue to repeat the silly things you love hundreds of times throughout the day, play with you whenever you ask me to, tell that story one more time, watch the show/movie again and just give you all the attention that I can because it’s all I can do. It’s all I can do to show you how much I love you. And when this time passes, I will look back with joy in my heart for all the things we got to do, even if it does break my heart a little, for nothing will ever be more precious then your sweet innocence and love for the simple things in life which you have right now. And no time will ever be more important than this. I love you both.