Being pregnant affects you in ways that are difficult to explain, especially to your spouse. As much as I feel he’s tried to understand my aches, complains, swollen feet and roller coaster of emotions, there is no way to really know what it’s like unless you’re actually pregnant. It’s taken every ounce of me to grow this tiny human. It’s physical, it’s mental and it’s EXTREMELY emotional. And let’s not forget women that work and have other children to take care of (raising my hand here for both). When you add that into the mix, pregnancy can take its toll on you. But honestly it’s a miraculous gift from God and despite the tough road I’ve had this time around, I feel very blessed He has granted us with another baby.
I happened to be looking at my wedding pictures the other day and it brought me back to what still is the most incredible day of my life. I remembered each picture like it was yesterday, despite how long ago it feels. I recalled my life when it was just my husband and I and things were….simpler. It sounds silly to say that but they were. Life before kids is different. It’s not good different and it’s not bad different…it’s just different. There are less expectations, demands and stress. There’s more sleep, spontaneity and on some level, more carelessness. You’re not waking up in the middle of the night for feedings or figuring out the best ways to discipline your child or deciding what schools they will go to. The decisions you make as a couple are definitely difficult at times, but nothing like the decisions you make as a parent. When you’re a parent, you grow up more than you ever thought you needed to (and fast!). You struggle as a couple at times because you both feel strongly about something child related and being first time parents your only basis for arguing your point is your opinion/beliefs.
Yes, parenting together is challenging but it’s also the greatest joy I’ve ever experienced. I have never known a love like the one I have for my daughter. It’s incredible how complete they make you. It humbles you. I feel so grateful to God.
As we prepare for baby number two I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage and how another child will affect us so I wanted to take some time to tell my husband things I hope he always knows.
I hope you always knows that you were, are and always will be my first love. Yes, our children will hold a place in my heart no one can take and above all God will always be first but my love for you is one that took and has stood the test of time. It was butterflies, holding hands, the first of many kisses, smiling so big my face hurt, the look in your eyes, feeling your love, knowing you were the one and finally understanding what all the other heartbreaks before were for. It was sometimes challenging, breaking down walls on both sides, not giving up, never letting go, forgiving and remembering why we said “I do” on some of the hardest days. It’s a relationship that’s helped me grow, caused me to change and continues to make me want to be better. I always want to be better for you.
And I don’t always show it. I let the days sometimes get the best of me. I’m tired, I’m crabby, I’m needy and I’m sometimes just downright un-pleasable. I get angry, resentful and irritated. I lose my patience and take my tough days out on you. I say hurtful things I don’t mean. I falter. But you love me. Through it all, even at my worst…you still love me. I hope you always know how much that means to me. And not because I want to continue to make the same mistakes, but because I have your unconditional love. I have your promise. And when the world around me seems to be crumbling, I have you.
I hope you always know you’re my rock and the rock of this family. You work so hard to make sure we are taken care of and provided for. I see your stress, wanting to make sure we are going to be okay financially. I know those worried eyes you get. But you keep going. You fight and bust your way through life to keep us afloat. I hope you always know even when I don’t say it, I see it.
So as our family prepares for this new addition, I want you to always know how much I love you. Even when I’m mad at you, I love you! Life wouldn’t be as amazing as it has been if I didn’t have you by my side. It hasn’t always been easy but it’s always been worth it. Thank you for loving me the way that you do.