Why Growing Up is Hard as a Mom

IMG_9720

Today my daughter went to my girlfriend’s house to play with her twins and be watched by their nanny. She hadn’t gone in a while due to scheduling conflicts so I was worried she would cry pretty hard this time. I prepped her that I would be leaving and she would reply with ‘bye mommy’ and I said ‘yes, but I always come back to get you, right?’ to which she would sweetly say ‘yes’. I braced myself for today because leaving my crying child, even if it’s just for a few hours, breaks my heart. I know she’s okay, not in any danger and completely safe but it’s still tough.

When I told her it was time for me to go she said ‘bye mommy’ and blew me kisses. She didn’t cry or pitch a fit. She was okay, in fact, she was more than okay! I turned around and walked out so fast because the tears were streaming down my face. As I drove home crying a smile hit my face and I realized with great joy and some sadness that my baby girl is growing up. She’s growing up so fast while at times I feel like I’m standing still (even though the grays in my hair and stiff muscles in my body tell me otherwise!).

I never thought being a mom would actually be so emotional. I didn’t realize the incredible love and joy I would have for this little person. I still feel like I can’t fully put it into words. But what I do know watching her growing up is hard as a mom. I am proud yet fearful, excited yet nervous, happy yet sad and with every joy comes a little sadness as I see how independent and amazing she is becoming. God gave us the beautiful gift of life and we get to watch and help mold our children to become something incredible all the while knowing one day we’ll have to let them go. One day we’ll have to set them free and hope everything we ever taught them sticks.

Every other night I read my daughter ‘On the Night You Were Born’ and try my hardest not to cry. She’s too young to understand these feelings I’m having and I don’t think ever will until she has children of her own. I finally get all the things my mom had told me for so long now that I have a little one (I love you mom!). I have visions of the future and think about my daughter getting married and how at some point during that special time I will read again to her or somehow incorporate ‘On the Night You Were Born’ so that she knows heaven truly ‘blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born’.

I love every moment I get to spend with my baby girl and wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world. She is happy, she is safe and she is SO VERY LOVED. Growing up may be hard for me as a mom, but watching her is one of the most incredible gifts I will ever be given.

Finding Balance…

healthy-eating-tips-moms-210x300

You and I….we don’t live in the same world. You work out in the real world. I work from home. You’re gone all day, interacting with adults and discussing worldly things while I’m home trying to entertain a toddler and figure out if or when I’ll have time for a shower. You day is busy, filled with meetings and continuous conversations and at times, even stressful. My job is busy, filled with play time, meals, nap time struggles and our ‘little miss independent’ exuding herself in that exact manner.

You come home and you’re exhausted (rightfully so). You have follow up emails to do or you want to go to the gym or sometimes you just want to be left alone. When you come home, I’m exhausted too (rightfully so). I want to talk and hear about your day. I want adult interaction. I also desperately want a break. I want to pee in quiet and not here ‘mommy’ for five seconds. I want to lay on the bed and take a nap! I want to go to the store alone and feel freedom for an hour. When it’s time for our daughter to go to sleep, you get to unwind while my work is only continuing. I know I chose this path of work-from-home-business-owner/mom, but it’s tough. Our worlds are different. They collide because of our daughter but at times feel like passing ships in the night and I miss the connection.

I don’t always understand your daily struggles and you don’t always understand mine. We share and we love but maybe not as much as we used to. I’m married to you, but at times I feel like we don’t even live in the same world…yet we do. It’s just about finding the balance to do so.

Things change when you kids. Things people never really talk about or maybe are too afraid to say. No one wants to admit they don’t live in the bubble they portray on Facebook. No one wants to share the hardships, the arguments, the tears. No one wants to show vulnerability or imperfections. No one wants to say their marriage at times can be tough when it is. Well I’m saying it. At times, my marriage is tough. At times, we struggle. We argue, we get upset and we even yell.  I’m not proud of it, I wish it didn’t happen but we are human and far from perfect.

We have great days. We have amazing days! There isn’t anyone I would want to spend the rest of my life with. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a challenge. That doesn’t mean that it’s not work because it is. Raising children and being a wife are two of the hardest jobs I’ve ever had and they are non-stop. There are no vacations, there are no sick days or personal days with these jobs. These jobs are 24/7, give it all you got, smile when you want to cry, drink enough coffee to make you functional, do your best to keep everyone alive (completely child related) while still trying to feel and look sexy (completely martial related) jobs. When you’re a mother and a wife you’re never a quitter, you just can’t be.

I’ve been a working mom and a stay-at-home working mom. There are pros and cons to both. There are things I miss and would miss in one situation over another. But what I do know is I’m working to find the balance. I’m working on figure out running a business, being a mom and being a wife. I’m working to make sure my husband feels important, loved and supported. He does a lot for our family and that shouldn’t go unnoticed. I’m also working on not making myself crazy but being home all the time. That can be a challenge!

We don’t have to be passing ships in the night though. Maybe we can be ships traveling together that veer off at different points but always meet back up and continue on. No matter what your situation is, never stop communicating how you feel. I’m lucky my husband lets me share so much, just like he’s lucky that I do so much 🙂 ha!

My Last First Date…

621876_10101000086370924_658735821_o

Seven years ago today I went on my last first date. Around that time, I had been going on a good amount of first dates. I had been in a series of serious relationships prior to and fed up with they way they dragged on for years only to end in heart break. I really just wanted to find the person I was to spend the rest of my life with and decided if the first date wasn’t a hit, I wasn’t going to try and make something happen.

My now husband and I spoke on the phone for a few weeks before our first date (which I fearfully canceled a few times). The conversations were so great I worried it would end up like all my other recent first dates….in disappointment. However, I had a small amount of hope that maybe this time would be different. I was caught in the middle of hopeless romantic and negative Nancy. After my second cancelation I’ll never forget him saying over the phone, ‘Renee, we are going on this date.’ We rescheduled for the final time and I went on my last first date.

It still feels like yesterday. I remember impatiently waiting for him. He hit traffic and texted me he was running a little late. I was nervous, excited, scared and filled with so many emotions and then he walked in. We were already Facebook friends so I knew what he looked like. He smiled and walked towards me and I melted. I knew this was it. I’m marrying this man. Sounds silly, cheesy and totally cliche but it’s true. He smiled and I fell in love.

We didn’t even order dinner yet and he was already asking to see me the next day. We spent the next two weeks together and by my birthday (August 20th) he told me he was falling in love with me. He was it. He was the one. He’s still the one.

Now, we are married (celebrating five years at the end of the month) with a toddler and a little baby boy (!) on the way. Our journey isn’t always a fairytale and we definitely have our moments but oh do I love this man. Even when he drives me crazy I still just love him so much. I love him not only because I chose him but HE CHOSE ME. He didn’t have to marry me. He could have married anyone, but he picked me. He fell in love with me. I am far from perfect but he never tells me that. He only builds me up. He reminds me what a great job I’m doing and how proud he is of me. He tells me he loves me and he shows me. He makes me better.

Isn’t that the hopes for one another as spouses? To make each other better? To want to be better? To give the love we want to receive. To do things because we care without the expectation of something in return? Marriage isn’t easy…then throw kids in the mix….WHOA….marriage just became a whole new ball game…but sometimes it’s nice to go back and remember the reasons you fell in love. Remember why you both say YES!

I would never want to experience this life with anyone other than him. The good times, the bad times and everything in between…he is ALWAYS there for me. Seven years ago today he stole my heart, and I’m so lucky he’s never let it go. I love you MPD. Here’s to us….