Will I Ever Stop the ‘Breathing Tests’?

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Since the day my daughter was born I have been doing the ‘breathing tests’. You know, the one where you either place your hand gently on their chest to feel it going up and down or listen to hear their actual breathing. Or, maybe you zoom in as far as you can on the monitor to see their breathing movements. I remember in the early months checking on her every hour or so as she laid in her bassinet next to me as well as jumping up multiple times during the night because I felt like it was too long without hearing any crying. Yes, those tests.

I still check the monitor during nap times and at night as she curiously makes her way around the crib, bouncing and babbling until she eventually tires herself out and falls asleep. And when it’s finally time for me to go to sleep, I check it once more, turn up the volume just in case (we have a bungalow so her room is downstairs and ours is upstairs) and then if I wake up randomly during the night I’ll check it again just to see how she’s doing.

I’m not sure if this is a ‘mom thing’ or I’m just a paranoid nut but all I do know is it gives me some sense of peace. I know I have no control over her life. While my job is do the best I can to provide her with love, security and safety, God has a plan for her that is out of my control. And I am okay with that…in fact, I am more than okay with it. However, there is still a part of me that worries. A part of me that thinks, what if she stops breathing? Maybe that feeling will never go away because as moms, I think we will always worry. We will always worry about the safety and well-being of our children. How can we not? They are these little miracles that we created!

So while I may be overly checking on the breathing patterns of my child, I have to say that watching her sleep is one of my favorite things to do. Seeing her curled up (the above picture is usually how she sleeps) and just quietly reflecting on how much she’s grown and continues to grow brings the biggest smile to my face. I helped make her….and she is mine, and I am hers :).

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