Is marriage ever easy? Or does it ever get easier? Is there a point where you’re just on cruise control and then…
Yeah, I just quoted the LEGO Movie song. But honestly…marriage is tough. And I feel like as the decisions in your lives get tougher, so does your relationship. It gets pushed and pulled and twisted and turned and flipped upside down to a point of exhaustion. Your relationship is starts wearing thin and sometimes you even wonder, why am I married to this person? It’s terrible to say, it really is, but in a heated moment, can you tell me you’ve never thought it? You probably have. And you’ve probably discussed that thought with your friend(s) at some point or another. Maybe you confided in one friend during the course of a conversation or in a group setting among friends. And this applies to women and men….the difference is what is said. Here’s what I picture:
Woman to girlfriend: ‘Ugh, Larry is so irritating, I don’t even know why I married him, he’s literally laying on the couch doing nothing while I try to make dinner as the kids run wild…” and then the woman would spin off into layers of issues she currently has with her husband.
Man to friend: ‘Yeah, she’s being a nag lately but whatever, so did you catch the game last night?’
Maybe I’m completely off…maybe? But it seems to be when it comes to feelings, women think and feel with our hearts while men think and feel with their heads. Yes, men can make heartfelt decisions, but most of their decisions are based on problematic thinking while women’s decisions are based on our emotions. So when women rationalize with feelings, men don’t understand it, the same way we don’t understand their right vs. wrong, facts-not-feelings rationalizations.
I read ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ my first year of marriage. The book was super insightful and now I might consider reading it again. I think when you get into a routine with someone you forget how they operate until something shakes up both of your worlds and you see yourself on opposite sides of the room. A disagreement heats up and now you’re both standing there in shock thinking ‘what the heck just happened?‘. You may even stare at the person contemplating, ‘who are you‘? Because you’re both so polar opposite on your stance you start to question if this person is truly even your significant other. Who is this stranger among you? And where did they take your significant other to?
It’s easier to throw a curve ball than it is to hit one. But when it comes to matters of the heart, why aren’t we playing on the same team?
Things change when you have kids. Your marriage changes. Your lives revolve around them, and not in a bad way but in a ‘it just happens’ way. You have birthday parties and sport schedules and school projects and all the things that make having children a joy but also the exhaustion of your existence. But in the beginning of it all, in the beginning of this newest family member’s life, all if you have is each other. All you have is the two of you parenting. And it’s not easy. It’s a huge adjustment. And you expect there to just be acceptance, trust, love and perfect harmony except there’s not…there’s fear of the unknown, chaos, criticism and arguing. You begin to act like children. You fight with words. And you while you can forgive those words, you can never take them back.
Sure, there is love and those tender moments of ‘firsts’, but there are a lot of sleepless nights and delirious arguing. And then more things change. You buy a pet, get a new house, welcome another child and the cycle continues.
I don’t know if marriage is ever easy or if it ever will be easy. But I know that I love my husband and there is no one else in the entire world that I would rather be in this journey with than him. And because we’re not perfect we’re going to fight, we’re going to argue and we’re going to fight some more. But we’re not going to give up, we’re not going to walk away and we’re not going to leave our promise to one another. ‘No one ever said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it’. At the end of the day, no fight is worth it, but your love is.