How Can I Have Another?

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I love my daughter. Words cannot begin to express just how much I love her. There is this amazing bond that develops when you have a child and it’s truly the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. She’s perfect, she really is. And I know most people feel this way about their children. They are perfect in our eyes because they are ours. We made them. We love them. And our lives will never again be the same…

My husband and I were talking the other day about having more children and I honestly said to him…but how can we have another? How can we bring another child into this world and love him or her just the same when we have such an incredible baby now? How can we love another as much as we love her? The questions then continued on in my mind. Will I ever be able to love another the way I love my first? Will I be measuring all other children against her? How can I balance my love for more than one? How can I equally love?

It sounds silly when I say it out loud. Of course I will love another child just as much as her! There shouldn’t be that question…but there is. There is because we don’t have another yet. We have one…and she is perfect. I am over the moon with her. If we were never able to have another I would be beyond content if that was God’s plan. I want more children though. I definitely do. I want as many children as we are supposed to have. But I’m scared…

I’m scared of what my feelings will be for this new baby. I wonder how Emma will react. I wonder how I will be able to devote time to both children and not have feelings or guilt if I can’t be equal in my time. I wonder how I will be able to love them both. I wonder how our family dynamic will change. I wonder about a lot of things…

But some things are out of our control and in those moments, we need to let go. We need to let go of all the worries, fears and anxiety and trust that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. And that’s not always easy to do, especially for me. I am a control freak!

But there is this fear that lives inside of me…this tiny fear of ‘what if’ and also, am I even ready? I want time with my daughter, lots of time. I want to hear her talk, watch her begin to form her own thoughts and ideas and start adventures with her that she’ll be able to respond to and remember. I want to do all these things before we bring another child into the world. But again, it’s not up to me when that will happen.

So for now, I will love her. I will love her with all of me. And I know when the time is right, I will love another just the same.

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