It Will Never Again Be The Same…

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I knew after I got pregnant that my body would never again be the same. I mean, how could it be? I was going to be pushing a baby out of my lady parts! But that wasn’t the only thing that was going to change with regards to my body, and I thought I was okay with that. Heck, if celebrities can get back into amazing shape I should be able to, right? As US Weekly states, ‘stars…they’re just like us!’. WRONG.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. First off, celebrities are not real. It’s kind of like the awful movie Elysium with Matt Damon. Celebrities live in a different world where they have privileges to things us common folk do not. So with that being said, I really can’t compare myself to these ‘elitists’. In talking with my mom friends, they told me, ‘it took nine months to put it on, it will take about nine months to come off.’ I still thought I was okay with that. But as my nine month mark hit and I had gained a whooping 47 pounds, I started to wonder how I was going to lose all this weight.

At first I was able to breastfeed and I thought, great!, I’ll lose the weight super quick. But after an exhausting few weeks and a ton of issues with not producing enough and Emma losing weight, I had to stop and start formula. So there went that idea! I figured the stress of being a new mom would help as terrible as that sounds. I never had time for myself so eating wasn’t really an option, it was more of a luxury. If I got a meal, amazing, if I didn’t, expected. But when I did have the time it was the food that wasn’t helping, like candy at 4am or Doritos for breakfast.

As her schedule got easier, I was able to eat more. I tried to be more healthy but some days it was two glasses of wine for dinner! I wasn’t gaining weight but I wasn’t losing weight either. Everyone kept telling me ‘You look great’, or ‘You just had a baby!’ but none of it helped. I started working out and felt like I was looking a little thinner but then Thanksgiving hit…or should I say reality.

As a mom, you don’t really have the time to get dressed up, especially when you’re home with kids. You run errands in sweatpants and no makeup and you don’t care. Who are you trying to impress? No one. You’re just trying to get stuff done. And when it’s time to get ready to go somewhere you’re not thinking about yourself, you’re thinking about what your kids will wear (then your husband). You find outfits for them and worry about yourself last…at least for me. So when I finally found Emma the cutest outfit for Thanksgiving, I wanted to be in similar colors. I didn’t have time to buy something (another part of motherhood, insane time constraints) so I remembered having a top and skirt in my closet that would be perfect. It was settled! We are all set. WRONG.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. It was in those two hours before we had to leave for Thanksgiving dinner that I realized my body will never again be the same. Don’t get me wrong, I thought about this before, I guess just because now that she’s approaching six months I thought I would be ‘skinny me’ again. But ‘skinny me’ doesn’t exist anymore, and even if she eventually does, she will be a different ‘skinny me’.

As I tried on what I thought to be my perfect Thanksgiving outfit I had a top that couldn’t properly contain my ‘larger than I would like them’ breasts I now have and a skirt that zipping up was completely out of the question. So there I stood in the mirror trying not to cry. I tried other options. Too tight, doesn’t fit, too tight, too tight, too tight!!! When was I a toothpick? How did I seriously once fit in these clothes? And also, why the heck did I buy everything so tight? Apparently my skinny ass could wear tops that stuck to my stomach because I didn’t have this baby pooch! So I stomped around the house and told my husband “I’m staying home” to which he already knew what I was upset about. I finally stopped and realized how ungrateful I was being. I have a beautiful, healthy daughter and I gave birth to that beautiful, healthy daughter. Maybe if I didn’t gain 47 pounds and got into the accident I did she wouldn’t be here.

So yes…my body will never again be the same. My hips are wider, everything looks different and I’m definitely not ‘skinny me’ anymore but I can get there. I can get to a size that makes me happy, even if it isn’t the size I once was. Sometimes I think we get so caught up in physical appearances we forget what really matters. We lose sight of what’s important because we’re memorized by the outer shell. Ever buy a pair of shoes that were insanely uncomfortable but looked amazing? Mine are in a box in our basement, half a size too small but oh how I loved those pumps. Or what about dating someone purely based on their looks alone? How did that work out for you? We all can be vain in some way or another. I know I have been recently…I’ve been so focused on not being the ‘skinny me’ that I forget about the rest of me! I become angry, upset, jealous, bitter and lots of things I don’t like being. I become ‘evil’ me and no good comes from evil.

My body will never again be the same. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay with not being ‘celebrity skinny’. I’m okay with not being old ‘skinny me’. I’m okay with it all because I received the most beautiful gift from God and if that meant changing me to do so, then I’m okay with it. I really, really am.

One thought on “It Will Never Again Be The Same…

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